thinking ...to much

i have been thinking alot lately about what it means to be a cutter and ive come up with a few things...well maybe ive just been coming back to the same things....being a cutter in a sense means i am invisible...almost all cutters are invisible...not because we are so called normal people but because by cutting we are condemning ourselves to an act that never gets talked about. so it doesnt happen and it doesnt exist. i have taken enough psych, sociology and even social work classes to know its not talked about ever...everytime i go to one of those classes i always check the back of the book to see if it says anything about cutting...most of the time it doesnt .... when it does it is just a couple sentences stuck in the 5 pages on borderlines...its not fair at all because if it doesnt get talked about all of us will disappear one day...most of the media coverage of s/i makes up into attention seeking minoins...god if i was looking for attention in getting caught at cutting i wouldnt spend all my time hiding them...i wouldnt take care of the cuts and then i wouldnt voluntarily take myself to the doctor when they get infected...if i wanted the attention or the task of explaining what happened i would wear shorts and tanktops and not care what anyone thought about all the scars..it really isnt there business all the same and im pretty sure i wouldnt be questioned to often about them but i would be questioned just enough to make me afraid...i feel bad enough explaing the few that can be seen..i wouldnt be able to say anything about all of them at once...there are to many in the same areas to make them easy to explain..it is really hard to explain how i cant talk about someone having a baby without acting like a 5yr old and i cant get my eyebrows waxed without hitting the person doing them and how i start laughing everytime i talk someone into giving me a massage on my back but i can sit still and cut myself with a razor or burn myself with s&i without thinking twice about it....it doesnt make any sense....i would rather hide them and die in my jacket...its rare i hear about it but when i do it annoys me because its not true the way it is explained...its not always true...it isnt fair that s/i has to be grouped with someother mental thing..sometimes it doesnt come with anything but the person doing it immediatly has a group of mental disorders....how do you just talk about cutting with someone who isnt a doctor and sometimes doctors dont understand either...how do you talk about it without making yourself sound completely crazy...im not crazy..well maybe i am, i consider myself crazy but i dont want anyone else to think im crazy because i do everything im suposed to do break down or not...i go to class and work, make sure dusti gets taken care of and have a decent convo with my roommate when at the same time all i can think about it cutting if things are getting way out of control...but no one knows that...and if they do i am very very careful to not bring it up to often... and since im trying not to cry ill stop...dont know if ill ever finish this one