guilt

i hate guilt...it makes me do stupid things to make up for something else...right now i want to just go to sleep but i have to write first....im afraid i am starting to mix cutting and purging again...since ive done both today...very very very bad....to make up for purging i cleaned the house..for no other reason than the fact that i felt horribly guilty for purging and needed to make it ok some how..so i cleaned and since i hate cleaning it served as punishment too...kinda funny i wrote i hate you on my phones message thing and i forgot about it..and one day i turnned my phone off and then back on for somereason and the message came up and i thought my phone was out to get me lol..and then i remembered that i had written it when i was in a bad mood some night...i keep meaning to take it off but i dont want to ..so its still there..im so thirsty right now...im trying to put off drinking anything for right now because im still feeling slighty sick...guess the good part would be i had to stop purging because i was shaking really bad so i went and did something else for a while...i found my bear from susan today, i didnt know it had fallen behind my bed and i had been looking for her...i cleaned up my room completley today...vaccummed and everything and got all the junk from under my bed...its been a long time since ive seen my floor! going out of town in a couple weeks ... ive tried everything to get out of it and i cant...i dont want to go but im worried more about hiding my wrists...ive been picking at them alot today so im just hoping they will get better before i have to go home...i have to do so much stuff..i have to go see arran toomrrow and she will be so disappointed in me and hate me and tell me she wishes i was dead...maybe not the last part.. im jumping around to much tonight...im going to lay down and get some water