disconnected

im feeling very disconnected right now...kinda foggy just not there feeling..if i wasnt sitting down i think i would fall..maybe i have an inner ear infection or maybe i shouldnt have cut so much...which ever works....3 times in two days i should be ashamed of myself but i dont care...when i get home today i will put meds on them but today the choice was between crying or cutting and i didnt pick crying and im not going to for the reason i cut but i want to cry for cutting..actually i want to cry for wanting to die so much...to much thinking and writing about suicide lately..to much thinking about susan and what she did...to much thinking about me...i have to see arran tomorrow but its not about me thankfully...i have to do an interview and she let me do her so i have to go tomorrow afternoon...i hope she doesnt ask how i am..it would suck to have to talk about me...i think i need to go get a drink or something and go work for a little while.