everything i cant have

my head is going into overdrive again...i want to cut and things seems to be going downhill quicker than i can find something to do...i was watching my fav tv show today and it just brought up all the feelings i have about having kids...i dont want kids at all, thinking about it just makes me hurt but at weird times like today i really really really want kids and i doubt ill ever have any...i dont know where this is going so ill stop now