shame

its days like today when i really hate myself for what ive done...i have to realize everything at once...everything i cant do anymore...its so hot here and you would think my jacket was glued to me...i cant wear shorts and even though i will wear short sleeves my jacket is close by all the time..i cant be sure what will happen and i might need my jacket...i cant go to the pool and thats all i wanted to do today...its not like before when i just had a few scars on my legs..now i have like huge burns on both of my legs..its not so easy hiding a burn that big without jeans...i cant go without my watch or wrist band ever again...although i wasreally careful and only cut my wrist where i can hide it but its a pain and when i do have my watch off its kinda obvious something is going on with my arm...how can i not be ashamed of what ive done...there are so many things i cant do anymore....not that i might have even cared before but now i do and it makes me want to cry but i cant do that so i have to just hate myself more...i think thats a bad topic for my journal..i cant give blood...one because ive tried and they couldnt get any...ive done the doctor thing and i hope i never ha ve to have blood drawn again...it took two days and a two docs to find one working vein and draw just one tube...i wasnt happy...they made me drink for two days so i wouldnt be so dehydrated..it sucked and i wasnt even feeling dehydrated at the time but i was...i have good reasons to never go to a doctor again...my thoughts are back and forth today...