either im having some major harry potter withdrawals or im just not in a very good head space right now..and i think its been kinda a downward turn since like umm thursday..i dont know what happened..i mean thursday was a really really good day i think...and then its like i over medicated for some reason and i just havent been able to swing back from it..im stuck within my thoughts where ever they may be..and they are not in a very positive place..and maybe its just that ive been doing so much thinking about cutting and harm and all of that..and wanting attention and not getting it..and i try .i tried to ask for attention this week but it was at work and i feel that ..i know that she is not able to give me the attention that i so desperately want...maybe im just feeling lonely and sad and its like suddenly im realizing just how alone i am up here..without family or close friends and all of that...ujst trying so hard to stay safe and find reasons to stay safe when all i want to do is hurt and hide and cry and isolate and ask why me to every single person i know...i think right now im just hung up on the why of all of this..why was i the one hurt..why was i picked on..why i was i abused..why do i have to hurt myself..so on and so forth..i want to know why ..i want to know what i did that was so awful that ive had to punish myself for my entire life..and then to make it even better ..i had to have it pointed out to me that i am punishing myself..because i was to stupid to figure it out on my own..so not only did everyone else in my life hurt me..but i was/am hurting me and it doesnt make sense when i try to explain why..i know im not making sense but still i try to explain it..i try to make everyone else understand just how awful i am and how bad..and how i must have been this horrible child to have been hurt so much..to have been picked on and hurt and hit ..but now its all been pointed out...the horror of me actually hurting myself has been pointed out and pointed out again...and yes ive had a few wake up calls in the past few weeks when it comes to my scars and what not..but stopping..stopping completely is very scary and has me feeling very sad, confused, lost, alone...how can i escape my thoughts without cutting? how can i get rid of my fears and hurt without purging? how am i supposed to manage to live in this world that im not sure i understand without being able to numb out everything? how am i supposed to deal with myself and my life on a daily basis with nothing to help me...nothing to distract me..nothing to help me stay contained and focused and just i dont know... i know i have to stop..ive been asked to stop..ive been advised to stop..ive heard all the demands and the arguments for why its bad..crap ive been told its a sin..ive heard it all..and still i want it..i want the escape..i want the release..i want to feel something besides to dear and guilt and shame..i want to get out of my head..and physical pain does that..purging does that...to many meds makes me sleep and unless im having nightmares then that is an escape too... and without the cutting and purging..all i do is sleep...work and sleep..and life continues on without me..i dont know how to be a part of it..but i do know how to ignore it..but im not supposed to do that either..im supposed to be present and mindful and stay with the day and not skip ahead or jump backwards...but i have the most trouble with staying present when i feel so out of place in my current world..again i do enough to get by .. to slip under the radar.. thats how i justify my behaviors..as long as i am not hurting anyone else and still going to work and being an adult.then who cares just how much it is that im destroying myself..literally .. if i was being honest i would say that i could die right now and i wouldnt care in the slightest...you know what stops me?? the fact that my stupid apartment is a mess and mommy would kill me herself if she say just how messy it was...and maybe i just need to stop this one now before it gets any worse..
hmm ill change the subject....i did go to the workshop again this morning..and it wasnt as scary this time around ..but it was harder for me to focus because of so many people coming and going..there was just to much going on around me..and i can admit i was feeling a little bit jealous but that is my attachment issues coming up again..darn it.. but i did get two hugs today and that was helpful..but my mood was really down..and i just couldnt hide my sadness today..i dont know what was making me feel so sad but it was showing ..blah.. hate days like that..well days like this ... all day the sad feelings have been around ..and they show no signs of lessening or stopping or going away..and this is why i have to cut sometimes.. just to get a break from all of the thinking and sadness...
ok i am going to stop writing now..because this is one of those times when writing is not helping me feel better at all..
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