morning thoughts...

well ive been up once again since like 4:30..stupid meds..i try not to take them to early but im waking up massively early..i think i fell asleep last night about 9:30ish..but yeah so ive been up for a while..at first i wasnt going to do anything at all..but just lay in bed and waste my morning until i had to get ready for church..but that didnt work out as planned..and for what ever reason i ended up eating and purging...now im not completely sure if it was on purpose on not..i was feeling sick after eating so i just helped along a natural occurrence..yeah.. i mean truthfully i was feeling sick..did i HAVE to make myself sick..no...but well its all over and done with now..and i cant help thinking that i am sabotaging myself yet again...which is what i was supposed to be writing about any way..my consistent need/urge for self sabotage...its like yesterday was to low key..yesterday i talked to much..i was around to many people for to long..whatever it is about yesterday that made it almost ok..meant that today i had to just start off on the wrong foot...the hope is that now that ive b/p i wont do anything else..and that ill be able to keep myself distracted and busy and all of that good stuff...thats the hope..but i am going to church..and maybe to a couple stores..and then home because i have got to do paperwork tonight/tomorrow morning..i have to stay caught up..

jessica is not going to be in church today and i think that has me feeling a little bit on edge..im slowly getting used to not sitting with her all the time now..but i like knowing that she is there and that she will give me a hug..but shes not there today..and she told me that on wed..so i guess ive had time to prepare...but it makes my need to hide and all of that become more prominent and stuff..and that is a problem..if i take any more of the klonpin ill fall asleep in church..its bad enough that ill be fighting sleep with just the one that i am supposed to take in the am...but i actually didnt nap yesterday either..yay me..i think i wanted too though...but i managed to stay awake..

i cant get a conversation out of my head from yesterday...and im not sure about the whole writing my story and sharing it..and yada yada yada...and i think its more of an attention thing...like to much attention..but at the same times its like what is it going to hurt..writing part of it?  sharing it? crap i would prolly take jessica a copy anyway..because the piece of it that i think im dancing around is that..if i share it..then i have to accept it..not like it or forget it or anything..but just accept it..own that it happened..and that its affected me..and so on and so forth...but i keep trying to just blend myself into the back ground and just not share or tell or say anything...but what has that gottten me??  nothing but more hurt and shame and guilt that i shouldnt have to carry around... so i keep thinking..and wondering and trying to figure out what i would say..how much i would say... but the other piece of it that i am thinking about is what is it that caused me to be the way i am now ?  i have mental challenges..i guess if i was being technical then it would be that i have a mental illness..but which one is it that i have..i know what i dont have..and i know enough about all of them to be able to pretty much guess what it is that i have been dx'd with...i mean most of the time i dont want to know..i can group it all under depression...but well self harm isnt under depression..self harm is lumped into the bpd, or eating disorders, or possibly bipolar .. but i dont think its under depression..and actually what one therapist said was that it was ptsd with severe self harm...joy..

but i think that it is the self harm that causes me the most shame...no the purging causes the most shame..but the self harm isnt far off ... but the problem i have is that not many ppl understand it..and im not comfortable talking about it..because of that whole judging thing...but at the same time how are people supposed to being to understand it or know about it..if there is no one willing to talk about it?  and i guess it makes me feel trapped because i could talk about it..admit i do it..have done it..still do it ..whatever.. but i could also explain why..the reasons behind..the differences between self harm and suicide..and etc..i know all the information.. i am the information..my life is the reasons..but who is going to know that ? ugh .. it upsets me that there is shame associated with self harm..i mean yeah i do my fair share of it...but i need to work on not doing that...because the self harm is a symptom..it is not a death sentence..so yeah..i dont know just yet ..what it is that i want to do...but the need to write is there...i need to write something..i just cant seem to organize my thoughts enoguh to get it down and let it make any sense...

im supposed to be an advocate..a supporter..a listener..a helper...and that means that i cant keep hiding...i cant keep pretending that reality is not there...it means i have to talk..and talk..and talk some more...i will make people listen to me..and i will prove that i am not crazy ..because im not..i have challenges that involve me hurting myself..but i am not crazy..because i can hurt myself and be quite logical about the whole thing...but im feeling suddenly very just upset i guess..so i guess i need to get up and get moving or something..