being led by others ..leads me nowhere...

once again i am letting myself..well allowing myself to be influenced by others ...and disregarding my own somewhat questionable common sense... see i know i am working hard to make changes..to learn and grow and heal..i am...and i know that i am taking it very slow and doing different things and looking for the right place for me to be..i am taking classes and talking to people and not isolating AS much..still isolating ..but im working on it...i have to understand that all of this is a work in progress and im not going to get things changed over night..and so i have to be patient with myself..but also i have to understand that not everyone is putting me on the same time frame that i have myself on..and that is going to have to stop..well im going to have to stop letting that happen..i have the support of friends and my director and my supervisor, and my therapist..who encourage me, and tell me that they can see that i am trying..and that i am doing things i originally wouldnt do...but then i have ppl telling me that im not trying..that im going to slow..that im not really depressed and that im making myself sad and miserable on purpose...and it hurts my feelings..do you really think i would do this on purpose?? that i would just be sad and depressed and feel hurt and all sorts of things on purpose?? no..i cant control it..i have some say so in how bad it can get yes..and if i am very careful and aware of myself and how i am feeling then yes i can keep it from getting incredibly bad..but sometimes nothing works..nothing helps..and i am depressed..and thats all it is... it is hard realizing that people dont understand how some mental health things work..or how it affects the person..and yes i deal with more than just depression..but its just not fair that im not accepted unless im pretending to be fine..well thats not true..i do have people and i have met ppl recently who accept me as i am..quiet or loud or sad or happy..whatever, whoever i am that day..they still talk to me and they arent afraid of me...i dont want people to be afraid of me...so yeah..i know that i am trying, and working hard and growing..and well that is going to have to be enough...and when i start doubting myself..all i have to do is go see someone who supports me and gain a little more encouragement to keep going...