today ...well today has not gone as planned at all..it was different..not in a bad way exactly..just different...but before i write about that i need to go back a few days and update my crazy therapy issues and what not..
im really not sure what i want to do about therapy..i know that i still need to be in therapy..i know that i still have a lot to work through but im still upset i think...sad that its come to this point and i really am just unsure of what it is i want to do..what i need to do...i think taking a break from therapy for a while may be the best idea...i really do...my therapist is right in that i am very dependent on the idea of therapy and not therapy itsself..i want her to fix me but i dont want to do the work..because i know that she will keep being there to pick up my broken pieces and somehow stick me together enough to make it through another week...i rely on her..on my director..on kathy..on lady..on denise..i rely on all of them to fix me and make me better and then im upset when they say that wont coddle me..that they wont be my crutch..crap i just want a crutch ..and i think that is my problem right now..that im not depending on myself to help myself at all..and maybe linda is seeing that and that is what she is trying to get me to see..but im my mind all i got was her attacking me in a way and telling me that ive once again screwed up...and as i write this i realize that there is a plan forming..not to die...but to live...oh i want linda in a different way than i want my supervisor or lady or denise..but they are not able to help in the way that i want them to help me...maybe its that i am being forced to think and accept that i cant have a parent..not the way i want one..and that trying to replace the one i have is getting me no where..and i just end up hurt and upset when i think my needs arent being met..and the problem is that my needs are so far out there that i dont think anyone can meet them..because i want this perfect parent that will be loving and supportive and understanding and not mad at me...never mad at me..and help me and love me..and yes there is a trend here..ugh..but again it was one of those ..everyone is telling me the same thing and so that means i need to look at myself and figure out what in the hell it is that i am doing that is causing this to keep happening...i need to take responsibility for my actions..and as much as i dont want to look into that mirror of obviousness..i guess i have no choice....because earlier this week when i was feeling so hurt and upset when i ws told that i wouldnt be able to see my therapist on a weekly basis anymore..and that i owed so much money that i wouldnt be able to go back to weekly at all...and my need to lash out and hurt myself where just going crazy..instead i over medicated and just slept and zoned out majorly...but even that as to end at some point..and i have to come back to myself..and i have to realize that this is not going to kill me..this is not the end of the world...that i still have to get up in the morning and live throughout the day..i am still very very sad ...but it is becoming a little bit more manageable..a little bit..but i realize that once again maybe linda is right..i have become so dependent that therapy right now is not as helpful as it could be...but to get me to do anything differently i have to be forced to make a different decision.i have to be pushed up against the wall and made to make a choice..and it has taken me days to even get into a place where i can consider the possibility of managing without therapy...or having that support...and as much as i want to whine and moan and throw a tantrum i know that it wont do anything for me...
so that kinda brings me to today..i mean mood wise ive been pretty netural the past couple days i think..and yes it helped that i got paid yesterday and went shopping ..after paying some bills of course..blah
but i had to work a little bit this morning and so i was up and out of the house super early..but i did my work stuff and then kinda just went to the wrap class thingy that i had been wanting to go too..i convinced myself to go because well i was in the area and i wasnt doing anything..and well i can be depressed at home at any time...so i went..even though i was scared and slightly panicked..but i went ..and it turned out to be not what i expected...i mean the area i kinda knew but i dont spend a lot of time on e broad..but i knew of the place Hilltop Promises..but i hadnt ever been in there..and that is where the class was at ... so not only wans i going to be around new ppl..i was going to be in a new area, a new building, a new everything..and i did strongly consider just giving up and leaving .. because i kept telling myself that i was ok and that i didnt need to be there and that it wasnt going to be able to help me..the instructor person was running a bit late..and so i did have to deal a little bit with the random dude trying to ask for my number ..blah...but the class started and all of that..and because of where it was at ..my attention was all over the place..i was listening and not listening..and i was hearing the music and seeing the other people coming and going and so yeah ..it was super hard to focus..but after about an hour or so things started calming down and things got a little easier to hear and understand..and so i was able to pay a bit more attention...and all to soon the class was over..and i just kinda stayed at the place..i mean really where else was i going to go?? what did i have to do?? so i stayed and talked to heather about the wrap program..and other stuff..and we talked about other stuff..and i had my moment of bad example making by talking about alcohol with the 13yr old community service chick..but i mean we did have a good conversation about strippers and school and kids and i guess i sorta miss having conversations like that...just a good debate ..i mean i may not be good at talking but i do like having a good conversation at times..but anyhoo..i ended up talking to heather off and on while there..and i end up triggering myself a little bit ..and became way to interested in the staples i was playing with at the time..so i finally had to get them away from me..and instead worked on grounding myself by writing my name a bagillion times until i was able to get out of the sudden not so great place i had ended up in...but i did..and it was ok...kept talking about wrap and talked some about myself and all of that..weird i know but she asked if she could share my story...in the newsletter thing...and i wanted to say no...i may have really wanted to say no but instead i think i just told her that i didnt have a story..that i had nothing to say..that i wasnt an inspiration or a hope to anyone...i dont mean to be so negative..but its just attention and being noticed and all of that makes me afraid and nervous...so i told her she could write it and i would read it and let her know what i thought about it...i told her i would consider writing something about myself for the news letter..but im not sure yet..but i did say i would let her use some of my collages..so there was a lot going on in my head right now..and im wondering if ive said to much..if ive put myself out there just to be hurt again .. i mean i talked about the self harm and depression and meds..all without getting into major details ..but i mean serious stuff....which again made me realize that no matter how much i try or how much i may want to be seen as being normal and whole..that its the normal and whole world that is not so accepting of me and my behaviors..but today..while at hilltop and just being there..i was accepted..no questions asked..i felt accepted..and i got hugs.from one lady.more than one ..and i didnt even ask! but i guess i just noticed it so much because ive felt so unaccepted lately..and so just by myself in all of this..and how separated i am because of the cutting..its not that i have a mental illness or that i have issues or problems .. its that i am a cutter that causes the most judging and misconceptions...if i said i was depressed ok fine..anxious, ok no problem...but i cut..oh hell no..you are going to hell type conversations happen..and its like shocking..because i do feel that it is not fair ..and it is hurtful..and it is hard to feel understood in a world that doesnt accept or understand my behaviors...and so it is hard..but anyhoo not what i was going to write about...umm just ..i think its just been a lot of day for me..i spent more than 4 hours around other people..i think my docs would call that a success...
so yeah i think my head was just on overload a bit and i needed to write some things out...still thinking .. on a lot of different things...
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