craptastic day...

well ive calmed down..a lot since earlier..i think im still feeling pretty sad but im not on the war path of destruction sad...i did end up b/p this evening...ate until i knew iwould be sick..again..-sigh-  im trading the cutting for the b/p...i just cant do both at the same time..that would be to much..but i need the cutting to decrease and so in its place is the b/p...and im doing stuff like this and it just makes me really wonder how i am in recovery when i am still doing so much to harm myself..if i was being truly honest...oh i dont know..i know today has just not been a great day and i know that i am taking it out on myself..and that my need for comfort was coming out strongly and i wasnt able to get it and so..the next step is attack myself in some way..and i know tomorrow i will hurt a lot from the purging..but ill live with it..the pain reminds me im alive..and im just hoping i guess that i will be more positive and with it tomorrow...maybe not seeing t today also played into my bad mood...i alway see her on tuesday..and today i wasnt able to see her ..cas no more weekly sessions...so yeah..a lot has played into my mood today..