2 hour conversation and i end up filled with doubt..

you know..long story short im just not sure religion is right for me..ok there ive said it...i dont understand it ..and being angry at god so i learned is just one more way to get myself sent to hell..and then its just me blaming god for stuff he didnt have control over..ok that last part i can understand a little bit..but in the conversation i had last night..its like in her eyes i am doing absolutely nothing at all to save my soul..and yes this is prolly me overreacting to the whole conversation..because there was so truth in some of what she said about me..and some truth in how she sees me...but not all ..and its like my small steps in the right direction are not fast enough to satisfy her..like im just forever going to be a lost soul and im cant be saved and im going to hell..and im judging god based on i dont know..and i cant do that because your not supposed to blaspheme god cas that is a one way ticket to hell...and ugh..its just so confusing..im trying ok..but i dont believe..and i dont know what needs to happen for me to believe..i really dont...im not giving up just yet ..but im quickly learning that religion and faith and all of this just isnt for me..im to literal..i want to know the why behind things..i cant go believing in something i dont see..or understand for that matter..i get told i need to pray and read the bible..but conveniently no one bothers to explain to me how..i dont think i ever cared much for  church or paid attention in church growing up...i went because i had to. because  i was told to. never because i wanted to. and now its more of a compulsion to go..to listen..to wait for something to happen..so enlightenment or something..i want things to be different and i dont care what anyone says i am working hard to see things differently and do things differently..but again my time frames for doing things and making changes is really slow and i guess thats not okay for some people...but i know myself enough to know that rushing is just going to lead to overwhelming myself..and that wont be good at all .. and the whole you are making the choice to be sad and depressed just bothers me so  very much..it makes me feel like i am faking everything..that i can be happy if i just smiled and talked more .. that i dont need the medicine or therapy or anything..that its a choice and i just keep making the wrong one...and i dont understand...