disconnected...

im feeling very sad and upset and hurt right now...

i ..me..am just wanting lots and lots of comfort and not being able to get it is leading to all sorts of not ok thoughts...i know that i am reacting to my doc visit this morning and i should have relized that there would be an aftermath of sorts...but at the time i didnt...i went for labs...and ended up having to stay there for almost 2 hours while they tried and tried and tried some more to get blood drawn...6 times..and one busted vein later  they got enough to send in to be tested...i really hope they got enough ..because im not sure i can do that again...yeah sure i was laughing and joking and what not while there..but it was just the repeated poking and looking and checking and being stuck and them not getting what was needed...repeatedly thrashing the used needles and bottles with just little bits of blood because they couldnt be used..but now the overwhelmingness of it all has set in...the fact that two nurses checked and rechecked me to find a proper vein .. and those its only going to be a little prick are the biggest lies ever...i sat and watched them..each time..i watched..i saw when the nurse popped the vein she was going for..i asked if i was supposed to be seeing that much blood coming out..i watched all the missed attempted and how much i was bleeding underneath the needles...and still i said it was ok..that i would rather get it over and done with now and not have to come back again for them to draw blood..so i stayed and they kept trying...until they got one..that just barely gave enough..and now im left feeling very very sad and alone and hurt..i actually just feel like crying and maybe its an accumulation of a lot of different things..and its just all coming out now..i dont know...but i know that i have to manage and keep it together for about 2 or 3 hours..and then i can go home and crash again..i dont want to think.i dont want to feel anything else..im tired