well i finally figured out what it is that has been bothering me ...and it was what the sermon thing was from bible study last week....the gist of it was that homosexuality is wrong.. well that wasnt all of it..but the part that stuck out for me and rubbed me the wrong way was the homosexuality part...i know churches have there beliefs..and that they want obedience and conformity..but this is an issue that just makes no sense to me and i dont understand why it is just such a big deal ..in church...in politics..in any freaking thing..whose business is it but mine if i said i liked girls..or boys..or both..crap you cant ask me anyway because im still confused as all heck on the matter...
i fell in lust with my supervisor who is in fact a girl..and i say lust not love because i dont know the first thing about love..but i do know and understand lust..and i wanted her..i wanted her to want me in the way that i wanted her..and gosh writing this out is so majorly confusing...yes i knew it was a relationship that would go absolutely no where..but that did not stop my mind from going every which way it could with it..and to say it was embarrassing is putting is nicely..very very nicely..because my mind can come up with some xxxrated stuff in a heartbeat..and i may be all shy and embarrassed about sex and talking about it and all of that..but my head is a whole different matter and this would be one of the times i am so very glad no one else can see into my mind..cas yeah...
ok deep breath..
umm theres a guy i like..there are girls im attracted too..and the more i think about it .the more i am pretty sure im actually bi and not a complete 100% lesbian..i mean really right now my hormones must be seriously out of whack or something because sex has been on my brain in ridiculous amounts.like ready and willing to sleep with anyone at any time type thinking..which is not ok for a lot of reasons!! the past few weeks have been crazy sex driven thinking and acting and ugh..i dont understand it..normally you know im not interested in the opposite sex or the same sex or anyone..i just like being left alone..but then i kid you not my meds changed and i was ready to find anyone to get rid of the sudden need for pleasure and blah blah blah... didnt not act on the thoughts thank heavens..but it was a trying couple weeks when i just couldnt let the thoughts go... sometimes im rather afraid that if i wasnt so afraid of stuff..i would have become a raging sexaholic or something...but i guess i went to the other end of the spectrum and just avoided everyone..
crap loads of deep breaths cas its interesting how some things cause different reactions... i feel like i need to go back to church just to be saved from whatever it is that is wrong with me..and i think that is the measure i got last week and that made me upset...on the list of sins i seem to be doing quite a few and i have a one way ticket to hell based on what im doing ..and not doing ... and in the churches eyes i guess my eternal soul is in question big time...i go to church..i listen..i watch..but i dont feel anything...well i feel that i want what everyone else seems to be getting and im not..i want to feel peace and acceptance and love and support and care..and its like ok well we can give you that but you have got to follow these specific rules and stop sinning..and be obedient and come to church and pray and ask for forgiveness..blah..its just so confusing .. and really feels very unfair...im trying to understand and find faith in whatever it is that i am looking for..but at every turn i am just finding out that there is so much wrong with me that maybe there is no redemption left for me...god can forgive and heal..but i am still waiting..
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