things feel quiet..but it is as if it is the calm before the storm..i am waiting for something to happen..for something to just blow up in my face or maybe it is the changes at work that has me feeling more on edge and uncomfortable and so i am avoiding the office...maybe i am just not sure of what to say to anyone right now..and just feel the need to be quiet and just slip by...i dont know..i think i am feeling hurt and sad and i dont know why..i want to cry and i dont know why either...i just want to lay down and hide from the world today and i cant..because it is another busy expecting day and i have to go to work..and i have to show up...and all i want to do is just forget i exist for a little while...im not complaining...im trying really hard not to complain..but really i just want to sit and cry and pretend im not even here...
were you loved enough as a child? were you cared for? protected? kept safe? why must i think of these questions that have no answers..
im very close to the urges of just wanting to hurt..i want to escape myself..i want to go away..i want to hide..i want to be left alone..
but i will get up soon...get ready for work..go and join the real world..pretend that everything is ok...while i continue to die inside..that is my life..this is my hell.. i dont need to worry about going to hell...i already live in hell.
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