lately....

work issues...:( my client are being moved around..and i know they are doing it to ease my load cas i have hard and very demanding cases..but i like my cases you know..and having one taken from me makes me feel like ive done something wrong..and i havent..but its just hard to manage the thoughts about it...i guess im getting more used to the idea now..and i actually told the client that is being moved today..and well yeah like i thought it didnt get taken well..but just going to do my best to make sure she is transited to the new person next week...

but this week has been just hard...i havent managed to get anything done at all..like all my paperwork is still due..and ive been seeing my clients but i just havent been able to get my paperwork stuff done..and all im doing is going to work and then zoning out in the evenings and sleeping..thats all ...

did see pdoc earlier this week she changed my med times to see if it will help with how tired i have been ..so that change has me feeling a bit weird..but i am able to get through the day without taking a nap..but then i come home in the evenings feeling awful because i dont have a set time for the meds in the evening..and so i either just lay down and dont get back up or i go to sleep and dont get back up...

i have zero motivation right now..and i just dont know how to fix it...im slacking off big time..i am..and i cant even bring myself to care that much..and its gonna get me in trouble..ugh

so ive skipped meds tonight in hopes that i will stay awake long enough to do the late notes but of course all i want to do is lay down and not do a darn thing...

i just cant seem to function this week at all...just having a hard time i think..but im not sure..and the thoughts come and go..the negative really bad ones..and then im ok and not caring about anything..and i think im feeling a bit more anxious tonight...and i really truly just want to sleep...and im so darn behind ..and i hate being behind...but my clients have been so demanading this week..and then not feeling good..and med changes..and being tired..and i feel like all im doing is complaining ..and i dont want to do that either...but i just cant seem to get it together in my head...havent been writing or doing anything really and so the thoughts and feelings and being stuffed inside and that is causing the urges to s/i come back up..and its just one big stupid circle that never ends..and i try to be happy and i want to be happy and im just sad and sick and miserable and feeling awful and useless and worthless..and i dont want to even tell anyone that im feeling badly because then its like im just always focusing on my problems and just wanting attention or something...and it hurts my feelings to be told that im just making myself miserable on purpose and so then i just feel doubtful and upset and unsure of myself ...im not doing this on purpose..im really not..and i just want to hide out for a while..

im going out of town next week for a few days..just up to visit my sister..and i know that getting away will be a good good thing...i think we need a change of scenery or something..i just need to get away from things..but getting away means possibly seeing mommy and im not so sure about that..and im just feeling more worried i think about things...

ive really messed things up havent i?? i just dont know how to fix my current stuff enough to get back to even managing ..and i guess the med change is causing some major issues again..but i dont know..

trying to eat better..but still overdoing it with the junk food..and eating until im sick ..but of course its being done on purpose cas of trying not to cut..and so its just switching back over..and i know its not good..i do..but i dont know how to stop it..im just a mess right now...i feel like im a mess and just messing up and not able to do anything at all...

i dont know