well..

tonight  for the first time all week ..i am feeling calm and not like you know im ready for the world to end..its been back and forth you know all day..but for now im feeling calmer and so im trying to take it for what it is..fighting sleep because my mood is in a much better place..but well sleep will win out soon enough..i am sleepy tired..im not feeling as down and out as i was earlier today...maybe its because i came home and finally ate something..i hadnt eaten all day today..and i was noticcing that throughout the day i was feeling more tired you know..maybe i need to work on eating on a more regular basis during the day..i dont know..im afraid to look to far into the future you know..right now all i can manage is the day that im in..thats all ive got right now.

im feeling rather invisible and alone ..i try to write and ask for support but no one answers..and i wonder whats wrong with me..why am i still passed over again and again?  am i not messed up enough? have i done something wrong? am i not doing something right ?  i dont know..it maakes me sad and makes me wnat to just stop trying you know..i want to support other people but the unfairness of the lack of support i recieve makes me want to just ignore everyone..i dont know..maybe im looking to deeply into it..maybe im making a mountain out of nothing..but its just bothering me a lot..

today work was tiring..a lot of time spent in the hospital with clients..it got to the point that i was just so tired and worn out..and i never thought i was going to get out of the hospital..ugh..but its been a long week in a lot of ways..a lot of bad thinking and hopeless thinking..im hoping that it passing though..that would be nice..the detached dead feeling was just not okay you know..im still not 100% but tonight is a little bit better.

it is what it is...