i read a blog a little while ago about a little boy who had Junctional Epidermolysis Bullosa. I look thorugh the blog and looked at the pictures and read his story. my heart hurt for him and his family. the little boy Tripp died recently and that makes me feel very sad. it makes me wonder why people have to go through things like this. why his family and his mom and him had to have so much pain and struggles. looking at the pictures you could see the happiness in Tripp, you could see that he was loved and cared for. and it makes me think about life in general and how it is still possible to have happiness and love and caring in the midst of really hard situations.
i dont know. maybe my mood is just in a really negative place today..its just i dont know..so much pain and suffering in the world you know..its just not fair..and i know life is what you make it but why does life have to be so darn hard and sad and hurtful..
prolly not my best idea to be watching endless episodes of intervention..its a hard show to watch..because i watch and i just wonder what it is that has stopped me from doing down the road of drugs and alcohol..to escape you know..what stopped me? what still stops me? but i watch this show and its like holy cow i would never do what i see on tv..what i know ppl truly do end up doing..it scares me..but i also know that it is so easy to just want an escape from things..which is what the cutting and burning and food issues..and med issues are about i guess..an escape away from myself..away from my head..i guess this is one of those times when i am wanting an escape but i dont have one and that is making me feel sad..feel a bit off.. the sadness is big again today..and i am just feeling a bit to much i think..i want to go to sleep..i think thats what ive been trying to do all day..just go back to sleep..but i cant seem to..im feeling nervous about something..sad..hiding..isolating..i am hiding today..afraid to go out..afraid to stay in..im feeling lost maybe..oh maybe i just dont know what im feeling..my head and my mind are not on friendly terms today...and to which food and eating is the thing that is being refused..well its a back and forth kinda thing with the food. i want to eat. i dont want to eat. i ate to much and now i cant eat..on and on and on..i just want to talk to linda or my supervisor but neither are available to me today and i wont call either..i dont know why..i get afraid..that i should be getting better now worse you know..i should be able to deal with myself better and i still struggle more often than not to just deal with the day to day stuff...i took my meds this morning and still the depression is fairly bad..i dont know what else it is that i am supposed to be doing. i dont know any other way to get better.. what is it that i am missing?? why is it that i cant be happy or satisfied or even just okay with myself or life or anything..im so depressing and im trying not to sick into the really bad and negative thinking..i want to say that im just nothing..worthless..stupid..a waste of space..etc..you know just a steady stream of horrible thinking and then the need to hurt.the need to punish myself gets harder to ignore...i am feeling pretty bad right now...thats all ..
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