hmmm

my head is in a very weird place today...ive been feeling pretty down today and hiding in the house..the one time i went out was just to pick up take out and that was even a bit much..because well i was just out of my comfort zone a bit..so yeah..but i dont know..im just feeling disappointed in stuff and i dont know why or what..right now im annoyed that ive been eating most of the day..and i know that its because i eat just barely enough to keep going during the week and then on the weekend its like im making up the missed calories or something..and i just want to eat..and then ill go back to my usual restrictions on monday..or tomorrow..but its a pain becuase my need to eat means snacking and you know not the really healthy stuff..but i deprive myself so much during the week..and i know i  do it and cant seem to stop the behaviors.because of course its like..well losing weight is great and wonderful and no one really cares about the 'how' just the end result..and its like well as long as im not doing any outward harm or something then its ok..and ill manage and ill be careful..and its like im trying to prove that i am still eating and all of that..when i know im just barely walking that fine line between starving and not starving..and i know better..im working hard not to go back to purging i am..but right now the not eating is like the best thing ever..its like im on this goal to force myself to realize that i dont need to eat all the time and that it just makes me feel sick and gross and tired and all of that..and i know its my head playing games and tricks and trying to get me to believe things that arent true..-sigh- i dont know..i want to ssay that it will be fine..and ill be okay..but sometimes i wonder you know..i wonder if anyone will even notice that im not okay or that im doing something thats not ok..but then who would know?  who would suspect?? who would care? so i just smile and nod and tell my half truths and keep my secrets...because thats all i can do..

something i have been thinking about though this week.is my relationship with my supervisor..because again somehow i ended up talking to my therapist about her and what i wanted from her and just the unfairness of not being able to live with my supervisor when thats all i want..and of course my therapist is like pointing out the flaws in my thinking and actions and im pretty much being a spoiled child at this point.and yes i did tell my therapist i didnt like her for not agreeing with my scheming  (sometimes im just more embarrassing than i care to admit ugh)..but my therapist is telling me that my little kid behaviors may in fact drive my supervisor away and that im not respecting her boundaries..all things that i dont want to hear or acknowledge..and yes i have calmed down a lot with dealing with my supervisor on a personal basis.and not like bothering her all day every day..and i dont ask for hugs anymore although it kills me not to..like i want hugs from her so very bad..but i wont ask her..no matter how sad it makes me..but the living with her thing keeps slipping out..and my supervisor knows  i want to live with her..and she tells me no every time i ask..and some how im still convinced that i can just make her want me ..and make her want to keep me..its so depressing knowing that i just want to be wanted and cared for so very badly..but i mean i dont want to drive her away..that would be like the opposite of what i want..but i have such a hard time controlling myself around her..and i just want to talk to her and be near her and with her..and i wish work didnt get in the way..and i wish she didnt have such good boundaries and that i cant get through them..i guess this all makes me fairly pathetic in a lot of ways..but i mean yes this recent work stuff going on is making me realize that i do have incredibly poor boundaries..how to fix this i dont know..but with my supervisor its like i have no boundaries at all..but she has boundaries and its her boundaries that sorta keep me in check at times..and i think sometimes my supervisors lowers her boundaries a little bit in dealing with me..but only sometimes..but this week i was thinking about how badly i want my supervisors approval..and how badly i would do anything to make her proud of me or to earn her praise..and you know all the not so great stuff that happened with one client had me really doubting everything..and questioning what my supervisor was thinking of me and what was going to happen and all of that..i was scared she would be mad at me..disappointed in me..just a lot of negative thinking about the whole situation..but her possible displeasure was a big big big issue..i guess on one hand the work stuff is calming down..and im not as worried..but at the same time im going the extra mile to make sure that i am being super nice and helpful and all of that with work stuff..i dont want any more negative reports..and i want her to be happy with me and proud of me..if i cant have her..then i guess her approval will have to do..eventhough i just really want her..and just writing this is causing me to feel very sad and alone..and i have to restrain myself from attempting to call my supervisor..i dont call her out side of work just to talk or anything..no that wouldnt be ok..and most of the calls during work days and what not are about work..but the times when we talk about non work stuff and i have most of her attention and all of that is what i strive for..i seriously do want ALL of her attention..all day everyday..its just not fair..that my mom couldnt have been her..that i didnt have a great and caring parent who loved and needed and wanted me..its completely depressing and unfair and i hate it.because all its done is leave me feeling like something is wrong with me..that somehow i am flawed in some major way and no one will ever love me or care about me..and then i met my supervisor..who i was deathly afraid of for a long while...and she has become someone who cares for me..but in my mind its not enough.its all or nothing..and since i cant have ALL im not satisfied with what i do get from her..its not enough..i want more..i need more..and she cant give it to me..no matter how much i want her to she just cant..not when she is my boss pretty much..and so i keep pushing at her..keep trying to get more without outright asking for more..and im not all that sneaky about it..but i do try..and its such a huge deal you know..im guessing this is one of my underlying issues..but how do i even begin to talk about all of this?  how do i make sense of just how badly it is that i want a mother and cant have one because im an adult now?  its not proper for me to act like a child but i do..i dont want to be an adult..i dont want to have the responsibilities that go along with being an adult..i want someone to take care of me..i want someone to love me and need me and want me around..as i am..i want a hug..but i cant deal with wanting that...i cant deal with how much it is that i want comfort or physical touch or any of that..my isolation is so big and overwhelming..that my needs become upsetting to me..they become overwhelming..and i dont know how to deal with them.. why couldnt things have been different growing up?  why couldnt i have turned out differently?  why do i have to ruin things and be such a horrible needy leech ?