shame

today..tonight. i do wish i could just float away from myself..from my life..from my thoughts. i want to escape from the shame, the hurt, the guilt, the pain..i am ashamed of things in my past. im ashamed of how i hurt someone else..how could i do it? how could i let it happen and not stop it. how could i be so awful and let things happen.  it was twice. the first time we were not caught. but the second time we were caught. and to say i was in trouble was putting it lightly.  i should have known better.  i did know better. but being afraid and unable to say stop made it worse. and i let it happen. but all anyone else saw was that i was older..i was the ring leader. i must have started it.  i must have wanted it. she told mommy and mommy laid into me.for days..weeks..i was afraid to be anywhere alone with her. i was afraid of what she would say.. of what she would accuse me of..she told me i was awful, and other things i guess..but i dont remember.  i remember being afraid..i remember feeling cornered..i remember not even trying to defend myself because what she said was true.  i was awful..i deserved it. and then i just dont remember..after a while mommy stopped saying things..and stopped threatening me..and i slowly stopped going over to that family members house. i wasnt welcome..i no longer existed .. i was bad. i was awful. i hurt someone else. even now years later i know i am not welcome by her..i dont talk to her. im not comfortable with her or around her.  and during some family stuff she is there. and i feel like i should just go away. how do you make something like this right again?  how do you make it better?  am i supposed to ask for forgiveness?  am i supposed to say what happened.  now i guess it doesnt matter. its not like it is talked about..and maybe 3 people know about it. me, him. his mom, a cousin, and mommy.  that i know of. maybe more people know. maybe thats why i feel like i am watched sometimes..i dont know.  it was swept under the carpet pretty quickly. it happened..there was trouble..at home and things..but no one dared breathe a word of it to anyone else..what would people think?! but its okay i guess because mommy told me what she thought about it and me daily. i didnt need to know what anyone else thought. what i heard from her was more than enough.  the shame is massive. the guilt.  i found out today..well tonight .. that he is getting married..and i want to be happy for him..but i cant..because i always think and wonder about what happened between us..about what he remembers..what is said..i know i did a horrible thing..i let a really bad thing happen..but all i can think about is how i most likely wont be invited to the wedding.. i wouldnt go if i was..but my sister was telling me about it and that she is expecting her invitation..and im like oh..thats great..have fun. but i wont be there..i have no right. what would i do exactly..wish the happy couple well..apologize for past actions..pretend that nothing happened?? i cant do it..i cant face him or his mother..not on steady ground..

im done