today

today has been a pretty hard day...i can acknowledge that..today has kinda sucked in a lot of ways...i had to see the gyno this morning..and that whole appt and exam and yeah..sends me over the edge big time..im at a point now where i can go through the exam..and i can understand the point of getting the exam..but each and every time i feel anxious and afraid and majorly triggered..the whole being touched in that way and being undressed in the presence of another person..and the doc i had was very nice..and tried to talk to me and distract me i guess..but im sorry your hands and other things are in a place that i am majorly not comfortable with...how in the heck can you tell me to relax at a time like this ?? this is the least relaxing moment of my life..but i made it through the appt..and my meds were changed to a different type of bc..which im willing to g ive a try with and see if it works...and the meds are now only $5 for 2 months worth....much better than the $90 of my other prescription was per month...so i guess the appt had its benefits..but good grief .. i was just tearful and upset for most of the day..i didnt want to talk to anyone and i didnt want to be around anyone at all..it was hard..just sitting and thinking made me feel tired and overwhelmed..but for now its over and down with..and i am slowly coming out of my isolation mood...

i was a bit removed tonight at my staff meeting..my supervisor asked what was wrong and mentioned that i had kinda pulled away tonight..and yes she was right i had..but my mood was just off and well has been really off the past few days...but tonight i am thinking again..and wondering again..and looking for answers...and actually fixing dinner..so that is good ..