food issues...at the start of the year...

ive been watching this show called starving secrets...its a lifetime show of course..but its about women with eating disorders and things..and it is an interesting show...i watch it and can relate to it a bit more than i ever want to admit too...its scary you know..watching this and well my jealousy picks up when they go to treatment and they are able to have 24hr support and understanding and ugh..everything i want but cant seem to get..and i understand that i have to figure out how to support myself blah blah blah...but that doesnt stop me from thinking about how unfair it is that i dont have that support.   but back to the show..yes ill admit i have had some issues with food...a lot of issues embarrassingly and i know that mommy has a lot to do with it..always telling me not to eat or to give up stuff..or to try some diet..to lose weight..on and on and on since i was much younger..im always compared to other ppl you know..always getting the impression that i need to be better..be more..be thinner..not be fat..and it is a hassle you know..but i have done it all..starved..binged..purged..pills..laxatives..on and on and on .sometimes i wonder if i am just on a one way or another just going to completely destroy my body... i have destroyed my body..but i am just going to be working on how far it will go..you know my new goal to be healthier is just causing me to walk a fine line between dangerous and not dangerous things...you know i tried to eat yesterday and i couldnt really manage it...i want to eat today but i am not hungry..i had planned to fix dinner yesterday you know..pasta, with salad and maybe some garlic bread..i wanted it big time..but when it came time to cook i just couldnt do it..i didnt want it..my new mediicine controls my desire to eat very well..my new medicine me feel like i can control my eating..and what i eat and how i eat...this morning i was at my 5% goal from like months ago...for the first time in a long time you know i am at a weight that is lower than anything..i have had a lot of ups and downs since joining weight watchers in umm aug..i think it was aug that i joined..and it took me 5 months to lose like 20 pds..i know i would go through times where i didnt care and i would go back and forth between eating healthy and eating junk..and so i would lose a little and gain a little and so on and so forth..but now its seems i am on a steady slow move downward...i feel like i would lose so much faster if i would exercise you know..and eat more vegtables and stuff...i seem to be addicted to bananas right now..and sandwiches..maybe ill make a sandwich after i take a shower finally..yeah...the past few days ive not done much at all the past few days..blah..im not sure i got to the point of why i wanted to write this..maybe ill just think about it more and try again later on