have i given up??

something has been off with me the past few days.  ive just been struggling you know...really bad depression and anxiety and paranoia ..you know just hard days to get through...but today i dont know...i thought i was doing ok you know..but twice today my 'not okayness' was called into question..and now im not so sure..

i saw linda tonight and i rambled on and on and on..about things going on and my anxiety.  she actually asked me if im taking my medicine..my mood was that down..i dont know..i talked about how i feel you know..and well how i currently feel makes her worry..i told her i was okay you know..and she told me she doesnt think im okay..she said that its like ive given up..and i really have been thinking about that..have i given up?? do i want to keep trying? i just dont know.  im feeling more suicidal but well those thoughts are always aronud you know.  its not any worse..but talking about it with her just has me thinking about it a bit more..no im not going to act on them..but in my head the thoughts make sense. a lot of sense..and i still cant get myself to care..i should be worried about myself..i should care..but i dont ..i really dont..maybe i am just tired of everything..tired of life..tired of trying..tired of being so very alone..maybe i have given up in some ways..im just really not sure about things right now...im doing enough to get through the days ... working..managing just enough..to pass for normal..but im not fully engaging in anything right now..im pulling away from people and things and its just i dont know how to manage right now..but the problem is i dont know what is truly driving the thoughts and feelings..i dont know how to deal with what i cant identify..