so i guess i am back in the world of the living...you know looking at the world and seeing it for what it is and not getting caught up in my own stuff...in all honesty i guess you could say i was stuck in my own pity party..and maybe that is being harsh but i dont know what else to call it..i was struggling yes..but what was the step that changed to struggling to just pitying myself..my life..my everything..i want things to be better but like it was pointed out to me i dont do the work to make it better...
im feeling rather confused right now..or maybe it is just that i dont want to acknowledge my own stuff..and face what it is that i try so hard to fight..so hard to hide..the broken parts of me that tend to take over and not let go..but i had a chat tonight and some interesting concepts came up...well interesting concepts were questioned .. and i want to just run crying and screaming and deny it all..because there are parts of it that i dont understand ..and i dont know how to process what i dont understand..and i know that i will prolly be thinking about all of this for a while..but the concept of that i am getting something out of this cycle of depression that i have caught myself in..that i am getting something out of being the victim..and i dont like that..because i know that logically i dont want to be a victim..i dont want pity..i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me..or tell me how sorry they are for my life...but its been years of therapy..in and out of therapy i have gone..and each time i manage to reveal a bit more..i manage to talk a bit more..but still im struggling with the same stuff ..im still struggling with ..and its not any better...i feel no closer to conquering it noow than i did then..i so much want to say that im stronger..that im better..and in some ways yes i have grown up and learned more and managed ..but that is all i do..i manage..i exist..i do just enough to get by..and i want more than that..i need more than that..but what is it that this victim role gets me?? i dont understand it..i dont know what need it is that is being fulled because i just feel like i need so much and nothing is getting filled..that im still searching for how to get my needs met...but at the same time maybe i am using my struggles as an excuse to not get better..maybe i am just so comfortable where i am at..well i think im comfortable where im at..but all i can think aobut is why it is that i am not happy..why it is that i am not like everyone else..
a couple things i know though...
1. i really truly want someone to save me..i dont want to save myself. i dont know how to save myself..i want linda or kathy to save me..to fix me..to put me back together..i want a mommy
2. im not putting in as much work as i could ..like im not invested in the healing of myself..i dont believe i can be healed. i dont like myself . i dont care about myself. i believe i am worthless, nothing, bad, awful, evil. i dont believe i can be better..and so that makes it hard for me to be in therapy and know that what i am working on depends on me learning to like..tolerate myself..i need to care about myself..believe that i am worth something..
3. i have to want to save myself..i have to want to get better.
4. i have to understand that this is not going to change and be totally different over night..i have a long long road in front of me ..
im afraid...very afraid you know afraid of thinking about this ..afraid to acknowledge this..afraid to have to look at this ...
but at some point i have to learn i think..that my silence protects no one..and that if i want to get better..then i have to want it..
sometimes its a pain getting a kick in the butt..
No comments:
Post a Comment