fears...rational and irrational

i hate being afraid. im afraid of a lot of stuff..some things that im afraid of makes no sense to me. and it is hard a lot of the time to get past the fear and do things..i get so afraid and then i convince myself not to do things or go places..the fear becomes so controlling and overwhelming and i get so very stuck and just unable to do anything at all..

this weekend i struggled a lot with being afraid of leaving the house..and i hate when i get like that..because well one im feeling sad or something and i need to leave the house..but the more i feel like i need to leave the worse the fear gets and i cant leave..what am i afraid of exactly?? why is it so hard to leave the house?? why do i get so deathly afraid of being away from my house at times? i dont understand why it happens..and i dont know how to make it better. i mean its not an every day thing ..but it happens enough to be sort of an issue i guess..i can keep myself safe i guess if i say at home and dont go out..but if i dont go out then how will i be able to do anything??  i wanted to get my nails done this weekend..you know just go out and do something..and it took me a day and a half to convince myself that it was okay to go and that it would be fine and that i would be fine doing this..and that i would be ok doing it alone and being in a new environment..on and on it went..back and forth..i wanted to go and then i didnt.and then i was afraid and didnt want to leave the house..over and over and over..finally yesterday afternoon i managed to make it out of the house and go..but even while at the nail place i couldnt fully relax..i was scared and nervous..i had to constantly remind myself that i was fine and that i wasnt going to be hurt..i kept having to tell myself to relax my shoulders and sit back..because in my nervousness and fear i was leaning forward in the chair and had my shoulders were like holding massive amounts of tension..the only good thing was that the lady doing my nails didnt talk much at all.and so i didnt have to make conversation and could sit quietly..heck i needed to sit quietly because i was going insane in my head..ugh..but its just really hard some days..to feel normal..to interact with others in a normal way. i dont understand why it becomes so hard..i dont understand why i end up feeling so afraid of the everything ..i hate how much my childhood still affects me :(  its not fair