ugh

yesterday was not a great day...my anxiety was way way up and i was just not in a good place when i was out yesterday and i just couldnt manage my anxiety at the store..i was confused and lost and scared an upset..and i couldnt deal..and i couldnt think or remember what i was even in the store to get..and i was just getting more and more anxious and there were to many people and i couldnt do it..and i just wanted to run away..its frustrating..when i have days like these.. and i know part of it is that my meds are off and my anxiety isnt as under control right now..but it was just really hard yesterday and i guess being out of the house just made me feel very unsafe and very not okay...

my anxiety led me to binging ..before i would i have cut to calm myself down..but without cutting i turn to food and so i overate yesterday big time..i didnt want to eat..i was hungry but not for what i ended up having..it wasnt satisfying at all and just left me feeling overly full and really just stupid and fat and frustrated...lately i always think that i have the choice to make and im just making bad ones..i dont know where my head has been lately..i dont know why i dont care anymore..and im really just disappointed in myself and my eating lately..ive gone back almost to how i was eating before..you know fast food, bread..cereal..all things that it is so easy to binge on...in my mind eating a whole box of cereal is bad but at the time i want it..and i just eat.and eat and eat..and i know what im doing and i know i can stop myself..but i dont..and then i feel sick and gross and hate myself..i dont know..my head is just not doing so great right now..and my fears are becoming overwhelming..just my fear of everything..im afraid more lately..im frustrated and irritated more easily lately..im so tired of everything lately..

i found this quote yesterday..its from a movie that i like ..

At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by... you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are... especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself... But I am this person. And in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love.

i like the quote. it makes sense to me..sometimes i am reminded that so much of my life is passing me by and that i am trying to hard to fit in and be normal and not stick out so very much..but i am just me..and like or not thats all ive got.. and one of these days all of this will make sense..

i will most likely weigh myself today..but i only track on wed...so yeah..my damage the past few weeks will be impossible to ignore :(  i went above and beyond everything..and gained weight really fast...its disappointing..majorly disappointing ..but since when has feeling sorry for myself made anything better ?? i know this stuff..i do..and i have to make the choice to do better..to care...and not do not good stuff to myself..but yeah..time to get up and morning...breakfast and a bit of work..t and then more working on paperwork..and yeah..that will be my day..phone calls to set up appointments for the week..and then yeah..thats all i guess..