all sorts of ideas are in my head..all sorts of things to do that will affect my health and i dont care..and i know they are having some sway in what i am thinking about feeling..but their ideas make sense..they do..although some of the ideas may cause bigger problems..like taking medicine that i no is not good for me..but i want it and i have plans to get it ..because i want it..and it does help me focus..yeah it does..but im willing to ignore all the bad side effects for one side effect that makes sense to me..and i know that i am really truly looking for something to replace the cutting now that ive gotten the verbal contract back in place..shoot knowing that i cant cut because i promised makes me want to find something else to do that hurts..that makes me distracted..anything..i just cant deal with not doing anything that hurts myself. i dont know..
im like ready to become a vegetarian again..i want my other medicine
back that kills my appetite..i want to just eat and eat until im sick
and then i do get sick and then its not my fault..ugh..yeah lots of
thoughts in my head..
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