thoughtful ideas...changes...

you know..i had an interesting conversation with my sister today...about adoption and foster care..and it makes me thoughtful..it really does..i had forgetten all about my desire to adopt a child..my desire to care for a child who needs a home..i have been so caught up and jealous over wanting a baby and not being able to have one..for a lot of different reasons..and its like suddenly the whole adoption and foster care role seems like it is do able again..like i can do it...within reason...i want to have a goal again..something to work for ..to work towards..and maybe somewhere in my head i know that i will be a great parent..not right now..but with time..and support and of course working through my own mess..i can make it to a place where my health is not in question and that i am able to take care of and support a child who needs it.. maybe that is the route i need to consider..and look at seriously.. in a couple years im going to be 30..what will that mean for me?  what do i want to accomplish by the time im 30?  where do i want my life to be at...

the past few days ive been thinking a lot about what i want to do..and all these little ideas are filling my head and there is so much that i do want to do..and there is so much that i want to accomplish...

ive remembered my desire to work with children and adults with HIV/AIDS..i have a client who is hiv positive..ive had a coworker who had AIDS..they are my friends..i care for them and there well being..

i want to get a house..i want to have a place to call mine..and to do that..i know that i will have to take care to get my darn credit in order..

i want to be stable enough in my head that  i am not a danger to a child..any child..but i think if i had a child placed with me  then i would be taking time off of work..and so i would want to have money saved..i would want to be in a place where i could give the child the time and attention she needed...which makes it that more important to get my own stuff in order..to get my health in order..to not want to die so much...

ugh battling my own stuff..blah..but i realize ..well im realizing the importance of doing this..of maintaining my goals and figuring out what it is that i want to do..what i want to work towards...i have to have something to work towards...

and with that..i have 3 trips that im planning for next year...all before the summer...2 trips to fla and 1 trip to cancun.. all trips i want to take..i do...which reminds me that i need to send in my dates for the fla trip...but this next year is going to be awesome for me..it has to be..i dont think it can get any worse than this year!

and on a major side note..i applied for my birth certificate and i just listed unknown for my parents..and i havent gotten anything back that says it cant be processed..so maybe that is good and ill be able to have my passport in time to plan the trip...gotta have my passport..

hmm so i guess thats my rambling for today..