woke up on the wrong side of the bed

im highly upset this morning...pissed upp, angry, mad at everything..mad at myself..frustrated by my lack of money ..i know i just need to make it a little bit longer and get through Christmas and make it to my next pay check..and things will get a little easier..but im so pissed off that i messed up so royally this month money wise..and i know that it has a lot to do with my car needing extra stuff..but at the same time it is also just a lot of not good choices..and im just frustrated..and annoyed..and i know that Christmas isnt just about the gifts and everything..i do ..but i feel guilty that i cant do anything for my family for Christmas..i feel stupid and awful for not being able to really give much..and i know i need the money for bills and stuff and that it should be about family..but i dont know..i just really dont know...and well my home is more important and so all of the money i do have will be going for that..and if im careful i may even make it home..but yes my account will overdraw next week..and it will overdraw big time! but again i will just have to deal...

everything is just on my right now and im disappointed that things are not going as i planned and i was so excited about the conference thing and well im not 100% sure i can go..actually i guess ive known that i cant go but i was just hoping big time that i would be able too.. and i truly cant afford it..not in the face of all of what is happening right now..money wise..and so spending an extra 500 of money that i dont have may not be all that smart..blah..ii hate when being responsible wins out..and i dont want to be responsiible ...but i hate the uncertainty of my housing situation..and well i dont want to have to move.due to my stupidness...so yeah..im just mad at things today...

and no word at all on my medicine coming in ..and my head is just so off..and im so very anxious..and just sad..very very sad...

doc yesterday was good though..well i got good news..from the specialist..my levels look good..im losing weight..im taking my medicine...my bp meds are going to increase..but other wise things are looking okay you know..so that is good...