this has not been a good week..and i am finding myself having a harder and harder time articulating what it is that i need..what it is that i am trying to say. i am feeling so very unstable, quiet, alone, confused. I am having a hard time identifying how i am feeling, and what is going on in my head. im sad, im depressed, im a walking advertisment for a depressed person currently and i hate that i am struggling so much to keep myself together..to keep myself from falling apart.
yesterday was epicly bad..like i was ready to say goodbye to everyone and everything and i didnt care one way or another..im very tired of trying. im tired of how i keep wanting things to be different and they arent. im tired of trying to be happy and knowing that it is just not happening..i know a huge part of my unstableness right now is that i am missing my meds. but more than that. im just frustrated that i am having such a hard time of letting go of what happened over christmas. im disappointed that once again things played out as they always do but this time it hurt me on a deeper level. it felt like i was being attacked about everything, like my entire presence was being called into question and the verdict was that once again i didnt measure up. that still there is nothing about me that is worth love or caring or comfort. i felt alone, i was hurt although at the time i didnt want to acknowledge it. i just wanted to push it away and pretend that i was happy and fine but i couldnt even do that right. i just wanted to be left alone. but it only took 3 days to leave me feeling completely broken and useless and stupid and like i wasnt good enough. and no matter how i tried to think about it or make it better i just couldnt do it. even now the need for mommys approval outweighs my good sense and i keep setting myself up with this stuff and when it happens i am left feeling just hopeless. i wonder what it is about me that is just so awful. what is it that makes me so horrible to be around? all of this stuff just goes back and forth in my head and i dont have ansswers for it. i dont know how to make it better at all. i dont know what was so different this time around being at home. i truly dont. but this time it was hard. it is still hard thinking about it. processing it. acknowledging jjust how hurt i am about all of it. and also having to realize how much it is affecting me. how much it has affected it. it took this time at home to make me decide that i will not be going home again any time soon. i cant set myself up to deal with that again. i had been trying so hard to just find my place, and deal with myself and start attempting to deal with my feelings on past stuff. then i go home and before i even get home the fear eats at me. how am i still so afraid to go home? i once again wanted to prove that maybe this time it would be different. that this time it would be enough. but the exact oppisite happened. and i just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. i feel broken. i feel unsure of myself, unsure of my life. and i dont like feeling like this. i really dont like feeling like i have plans to kill myself and that i dont care enough to even try to stop it. those are the feelings im afraid to acknowledge. i am constantly having to convince myself that i will not cut, because what i see in my head is not good. if i did what i wanted to do it would be bad. it would be making a bad choice. but i have razors. in a couple places and i think about using them. i think about the relief. and i think about how easy it would be to just get a small escape from myself..from my head..and that is all i want. god i would give anything for an escape right now. but i havent cut. i cant seem to release my feelings and so i feel like im just a walking time bomb. im waiting for something to happen. im waiting for whatever it is that is going to just relieve some of the pressure inside of me..and i dont know what it is or when it will happen..but it will happen. at some point.
things do feel very out of control right now. there is so much going on with everything. work, life, lack of a life, so on and so forth. i have doctors appointments galore.. i have therapy and pdoc appointments..i feel like one of my clients..being expected to manage my life when things are getting away from me. i know i am having trouble managing right now. a lot of trouble actually. and i know that my personal stuff is truly beginning to affect my job and everything else. i cant focus. i cant think. im anxious. im slightly paranoid. im being impulsive. i want to talk. i want comfort, and then i just want to be left alone. i feel like i dont care about anything. i dont care about seeing my clients. i dont want to see them. i dont want to have to deal with there stuff along with my own stuff. it is tiring. and makes me think that i just want a break. and unfortunately i cant do that. yesterday i actually was thinking about the hospital and all of that..crazy thinking considering i am completely against the hospital. i have to be able to manage myself. i have to be able to stay in control. but i dont know or understand how to get the control back. i wonder if i ever had control of my life in the first place. do i even know how to be in control of myself ? truly in control and not just like pretending im in control. i dont know. sometimes i dont even think i want to be in control of my life. sometimes i just want someone to tell me what to do. what i should do. how to be better.
i feel like ive just always been so caught up in trying to be someone im not. trying to be this perfect person. trying to be just anyone other than me. and no matter how much i had other people telling me that i am in control of my life and i can make my own choices. i wasnt hearing them. i didnt want to hear them. how can i believe what they tell me. when im so used to hearing that im just awful. that i should be like this other person. or why cant i do what someone has done. why arent i doing more with my life. on and on and on it goes. and i feel guilty. i feel like i dont try enough. i feel like im being pulled in so many different directions and i have gotten lost in the shuffle. i dont know who i am. i dont know what i want. i dont know how to be myself. i dont know how to figure out what it is that i want. that does make me sad. not knowing who i am. not being comfortable in my own skin. of constantly thinking that i am awful and bad and stupid and well a lot of negative stuff.
there is so much i am wondering about right now..i have so much going on in my head and it is hard to go through all of it and make sense of all of it. i have tried a lot in between yesterday and today to talk to my supervisor. but again i have had trouble articulating. troble figuring out what it is that i want to ask her. what i want from her. i dont know. i want to be heard but i am not talking. i am pulling away because i am afraid. i want to hide how badly i am doing ..well i want to hide how badly i am feeling because i dont feel important..i dont feel that i deserve any type of support or caring..but at the same time i am craving it in a big big big way. i dont feel safe with myself..but there is no one that can make me feel safe either..ok well there is no one that i am able to get to that can help me feel safe. maybe i am just feeling very exposed..the other day i was thinking and it was as if i could see exactly how broken i was..and it wasnt even the being broken part that was the issue..it was the fact that i was watching myself destroy the broken pieces..by the time it was over there was no hope that i would ever be fixed..i am feeling as if i will never be better..ill never be fixed..that i am just messed up so much that any hope of being put together is a lie..that depresses me..a lot. i dont want to be broken. i dont want to be lost. i dont want to feel so alone..
writing all of this is giving me time to think..space to think. my head is feeling quiet right now and that is sorta why i am able to write and think and process in a more honest manner. but i am thinking that what needed to happen has happened. how messed up is that?? my illusion of having this perfect family life has been shattered. i cant pretend that going home is something i want to do. i cant pretend anymore that going home is going to be a happy and fun thing. this trip home has made me realize that i cant keep going home with the way things are now. and if i want to protect myself at all then home is not the place for me to be. if anyone had tried to tell me this yesterday or the day before i would have probably just stared at them blankly and thought about telling them to go away or to leave me alone. a lot of times i wonder why everyone is lying to me about things. but this..this is what both kathy and linda have been trying to tell me i think..but i wasnt seeing it. i wasnt believing it. i so very much wanted to keep thinking that this time would be it. this would be the time mommy would see me and love me or like me or something..anything...i just wanted to be able to say that going home was worth it. that one good trip could erase all of the not so good ones..but this trip home was very bad. very upsetting..and i think somehow i was finally able to see things are they are..although at the time i know i wasnt figuring it out..the way ive felt the past few days have let me know that my ideas and hopes were all for the wrong things..my desires to be perfect and good are maybe possibly unabtainable..that i wont survive if i keep doing this..that i wont be able to keep myself alive long enough to do anything else. so much of my life has passed and i am still struggling to just deal with it..ive missed a lot of stuff..i havent done a lot of stuff..i have been thinking about things in a not so good way..and ive wanted to keep my illusion alive..i wanted to have the perfect childhood, i wanted to be able to say i was happy growing up..that i was loved and wanted..but its a lie..and no matter how much i might want it to be different..its not..i was hurt..i was picked on. bullied i guess. i did not have the childhood i wanted to have..not at all.. and as much as i havent wanted to acknowledge it..as much as i wanted to say that i am lying to myself..that nothing happened..its not true..all i really have to do is look at the scars that cover most of my body to realize that something has been wrong..to know that i am not alright.
all of this does make me feel so sad..i feel hurt..i feel stupid for not being able to see the truth. for not being able to see what has been in front of me for my entire life..i was willing to call everyone else a liar in order to protect my thoughts and feelings about mommy. i am willing to be mean to myself..ok i bully myself because i learned that it is okay to be mean to me..but im not able to be mean to anyone else. i have hurt myself over and over and over again..on purpose because i thought i deserved it..because i could deal with the pain..because i could ignore the scars..i dont see myself as an equal person in anything. i dont see myself as competent, or as an adult or anything..i base my self worth or things that happened in the past..and i am ashamed..i am guilty. crap i am a whole lot of stuff tonight it seems. but i am not angry at myself. im not angry for not understanding things..im sad that its taken me this long to even begin to figure this stuff out. i couldnt have written this a year ago. i wouldnt have even been able to think about any of this stuff a year ago. i am afraid though..of the changes..of how things will be. of how things could be.
im worried also about well asking linda about the whole may not be able to help me bit. that does have me worried. i wonder what is wrong with me. i wonder what i have done wrong. i wonder why i cant be fixed or helped or managed. im scared that i will be told that once again i have to much to deal with. that i need something that no one will be able to give me..i dont know..i need to think about this part of things a lot more though.
in the past 24 hours or so i have tried to reach out for support..to let ppl know that i am not completely ok..its hard admitting that things are not good. its hard for me to admit that i have been thinking about dying and all of that. it is harder still to have others point out the things that i am missing and not seeing..to have others point out the good qualities in me that i cant seem to see..and for more than one person to tell me that things need to change in my relationship with mommy..do i need a bigger wake up call?? im starting to think a highway billboard in flashing neon lights may be the only thing to get my attention on this..but it has taken me feeling so completely broken for any of this to actually get through...it has taken this awful and miserable last few days to hear the stuff people are telling me..to see that my view on things are a lot different than others views on this..and that because of my feelings and emotions and all of that..i have been unable to see things for what they are..unable to see the truth in what is right in front of me..it is hard..very very hard..but to my horror none of this crap is going to be easy to deal with. i would like my get out of jail free card right about now. a magic wand? a trip to some fairy tale place? do i get 3 wishes? anything? hmmm no i guess not. i guess i will be having to deal with this..all of this inorder to make sense of it. although i was pretty annoyed when kathy told me that this was an oppurtunity for growth because i just wanted to scream at the time. but now that i have moved into whatever place it is that i am in..i am able to think a little more clearly and see that there may have been a small amount of truth to what she was saying. darn it i hate when she and linda are right about stuff..
well i truly dont know why i am feeling so different this evening..well its getting pretty late right now and i think i have been writing for a good while. but i guess i needed to get some things out. i havent been able to think lately. my own pain and fears were really getting in the way of things. im still feeling pretty down and out but im hoping that i have reached the bottom and am able to start pulling my way back out again..or at least stop wanting to die. i know ill be forced now to wait until next week to call about my meds again. so ill just be taking things a day at a time. i cant plan for anything right now with my feelings and moods going back and forth so much. right now though i think sleep is in order..well a super late dinner and then sleep..and then maybe ill be able to focus a bit more tomorrow morning to finish my late reports..blah..
im not sure yet what i plan to do with this..for now its just here..i guess i need to think on all of this for a while longer..
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