Tonight is Christmas eve and I am feeling very unhappy..and
just sad…im upset and frustrated and not feeling worth anything at all…I wish I
hadn’t come home quite honestly..i knew I wasn’t myself..and I haven’t had my medicine
and so im just feeling easily attacked maybe..overly sad..to
sensitive..something..i need an excuse to make this worth it somehow..i need to
make this worth it somehow..and I don’t want o blame my unhappiness on mommy
..i really don’t..but her picking and comments are upsetting and make me
sad..and tonight I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it..and I feel like
ive been mean..but I wasn’t downstairs and so no I didn’t volunteer to clean
up..why would I when there is nothing dirty in the stupid house?? Dishes from dinner maybe..but that still had
to wait until all the company left..and then mommy made the choice to clean and
to clean everything like it was horribly dirty..and then she gets pissed at me
for not helping..for not seeing that things needed to be cleaned?! I told her I
didn’t see anything that needed to be cleaned minus the dishes and that ppl
were still visiting and what not and so I had been watching a movie with henry
and harmony..i wasn’t feeling up to visiting and being social so I didn’t go
downstairs..my head wasn’t in it..but im still I ntrouble..im still stupid for
not seeing what she sees..and so I told her that no I hadn’t seen anything to
be cleaned at the time..and so besides being stupid im blind too..i really cant
win for losing when im at home..i don’t know what to do..it makes me feel so
tired..and useless..so very stupid..and I get caught in the need to defend
myself..to prove some how that Im not always messing stuff up and that im not
so clueless about stuff..and all it gets me is more mocking and picking and her
telling me to just go away..am I not being nice enough? Am I not being good enough?? Right now I don’t
think I can get any gooder..but I don’t have the energy to try really..and so
im just messing up..and cant do anything right..and because I didn’t help clean
up..then I couldn’t go back into the kitchen this evening..i feel like
complaining and crying and all I said weas whatever..and left the kitchen…why
bother you know..its pointless..and so I just took my sleep meds and im hoping
that sleep will win out over the fact that I am incredibly hungry..and the
screwed up part of my brain is thinking like yay more training on how to ignore
when im hungry..and the just regular part of my brain is upset because im
hungry and wanted something to eat and was told no..which in turn messes with
my head big time..right now I really truly just want to go to sleep.. this
morning mommy had issues with what I was wearing…so I changed..a few times..and
just felt so ugly and again stupid for once again messing up..and not being
prepared..she told me yesterday I looked fine but today I didn’t..who exactly
was I going to be hanging out with?? I was going to help dee wrap presents..no
one was looking at me…but I changed because she made me feel really
uncomfortable..because I wasn’t good enough as I was..as I am..because I am
constantly comparing and judging myself based on what mommy has said is
important..and I don’t even who that person is ..i just know that I keep
working to be better..to just be more than this..more than me..and still I am
failing miserably at this..i keep trying and nothing I do matters..nothing at
all..i just want to go home. At least if I am at my own home I don’t suck as
much..i still suck..but just not as badly as I do at home.
Well I finally have time to write this evening…christmas is
pretty much over and done with and im tired…my waking up early isn’t working
out so hot and I guess my night meds are not working as well..i don’t know..but
I just know that I am feeling really tired tonight..ive been up since about 5 I
think..i woke up and I think eventually I fell back to sleep..but after a while
I was just up and couldn’t go back to
sleep…but anyway Christmas…mommy told me that I wouldn’t be getting much..but I
guess I was a little hurt by how little she did get me..and I know I shouldn’t be
selfish and I should be happy with what I got and that I was able to get gifts
at all..but I looked at what everyone else got and I couldn’t help but
compare..and I guess I was hurt..maybe im being overly sensitive..i cant even
tell anymore..i really cant..and it makes me feel very sad …and so I was
feeling pretty hurt this morning watching everyone open bunches of stuff..and I
didn’t have the same..maybe im just being super selfish and horrible..i did get
what I asked for..a kindle fire..and it is pretty awesome..i was able to get
online with it at my cousins house this evening and played with it..and it will
be usefull..i love it..i wish I was able to get on it at mommys house but no
internet at home..and so I think I am kinda suffering in that..im out of
contact iwht my support ppls and im just struggling and feeling so very inadequate
in a number of ways..but mommy said she liked the gift I got her..and nia and
henry and everyone liked there gifts..so that did make me feel good for a
little while..and I did get some really cool stuff from nia and everyone..but
again today my head was just going a million different ways..happy sad angry
frustrated upset..just a general sad vibe though..i tried though..i really
truly tried to be happy today..and I just couldn’t do it..i said hi and did the
customary hugs and how are yous..but I just wanted to be left alone..it was to
loud..and I just was having a hard time..but mommy again told me that I just wasn’t
dressed well enough..tht something different would have been better..and so I went
from being slightly pleased with my outfit to feeling as if I made a huge
mistake and that I should have worn something different..that I should have
somehow been better..the message though is that I am just not good enough..no
matter what I do I am just not good enough..and no amount of trying or no
amount of changing myself will make it any better at all..it sucks you
know..that im just so messed up..so awful.. so everything..i feel like I am the
outcast..that I am the one that is just not good enough..that one that just doesn’t
fit in..i try..but I cant talk to ppl..i have a hard time relating..i don’t like
ppl im not comfortable around..even if it is family..i can be civil..i can say
hi..but I wont do small talk..in a crowded house this evening I talked more with nia and rob than
anyone ..and when I wasn’t talking to them I was playing with my kindle..i didn’t want to talk to anyone..i didn’t know
what to say..i felt as if I was just sticking out tonight and that I just wasn’t
important..i wasn’t needed or wanted there..i felt like everyone was looking at
me and judging me..and just thinking about how awful and stupid I am..my
paranoia is really bad right now..and at the end of the day I am left feeling
very depressed and very sad and left out..i try to include myself but I still
just manage to stay on the sidelines and just watch everyone else having fun…this
is Christmas and im feeling so very depressed..i should be happy..i want to be
happy..but all I can think about is how I don’t measure up..no matter how hard I
try I just don’t measure up…but I am going home tomorrow afternoon…im going to
leave as early as I can get away with..im just not doing well here and I would
rather be back at home..back in my own space if I am feeling so down and stuff…being
at home and so down is just not working out..i don’t feel in control..i don’t feel
like myself..i want to hide..to run away..i just want to be someone other than
me..is that really so much to ask for?? Why cant I be someone other than
me??
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