New Years Eve 2011

well it is new years eve...2011 is coming to an end.  im not sure if i am happy or sad to see the end of this year.  so much has happened this year. both positive and negative things have happened. things i dont want to remember or acknowledge. things i do want to remember and cant seem to recall them. ha the workings of my mind are an interesting interesting place.  but yes this year is coming to an end. I do not feel that i will have any new resolutions. there is not point in them really.  i will be working on the same stuff that i have been working on. continuing to work on finding myself and being okay with who i am.  i do want to work on doing more things that i like this year.  do more fun things you know.  not be so sad all the time.  but i am trying to make today a calm and stress free day.  Currently i am just laying down, surfing the net.  trying to decide if i want to take a nap or not lol.

i am still feeling sort of detached from everything.  i think that is how i am able to think more freely the past couple days.  the sad and hopeless feelings are so strong and i get so stuck in them.  but i am not feeling them currently. they are there still. goodness they are still there. but i am removed from them for now.  i cant function and deal with them. i really cant. i have just been thinking a lot about things. wondering about things. trying to understand how things have changed so very much in the past week and a half.  im not even completely afraid of it anymore. im just tired from having to constantly deal with it all. 

i want to say i have high hopes for the new year, but i dont.  i want to live. i want to survive.  i want to be able to be free and happy and safe.  that is all that i want.