you know..i can doubt myself every day..i can not believe in anything that i am expected to do..i can not care about myself at all..but all it takes is someone who i do trust to question if i can do something and my need to prove them wrong and to prove that i can do it and can manage goes into over drive..i had therapy yesterday and my fear almost won out and i almost didnt make it to my appointment. i was sitting in my car for almost 30 mins just wasting time.but when it got to ten minutes before my appontment my fear went into over d rive..i didnt want to see her. i didnt want to be afraid or upset. i wondered why therapy cant be a happy occurence that makes my days better..but i went..and as usual once i was there i was almost fine. still really nervous and a little bit on edge. but i went and talked to her. but at the end when i was getting ready to leave my therapist brought up the question of whether she felt comfortable with continuing to push me. and it was at that moment that i twas like wow am i really so over the top with all of this?? and maybe that is not the right way to explain it. but i started to think and understand that i have to be pushed becuase my comfort zone is all about avoiding and not having to talk about any of this..i have to know that she is going to push me and not let me stay so stuck in my comfort zone. i wont do it by myself..and well i can drag this out for years and that is one of the things that i am really afraid of ..that i will be still stuck in this same place years from now. and i am so tired of feeling stuck..im tired of my past stuff preventing me from doing anything or trusting myself..or even liking myself at this point..i dont want to give up on me..maybe thats it. i need her unyeilding belief in me because thats what i have to hold on to when i am deathly afraid and unsure of everything. i need something..someone to be constant..and between her and my supervisor they are my constants..i see them often enough that i know they are not going to disappear on me..and that they can get me back from the edge .. i did tell my therapist yesterday that i may as well go ahead and have everything suck now and not later. and i did manage better with yesterdays session..i realy did. it was still confusing to me.what we talked about..and i dont understand it at all..but i did not leave her office completely upset and suicidal..so ill consider that an improvement.
and i was also thinking yesterday that it is prolly a good thing that my supervisor cut me off from the hugs..and i really truly cant believe i said that..ugh...but i realize that i am going back to being able to be around her and not feel so desperate for a hug..so desperate for comfort...im not going to have a break down on the spot because you know she will not give me a hug...i am still getting pretty jealous of other ppl having her time..and her talking to other ppl..but yeah that one i am going to have to deal with...i know that i am going to have to keep working on this big time..but i am figuring out that i can get through the day..or week without needing a hug from her..still want them but my good judgement is not being compromised because of the desire to be near her..
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