i am feeling very confused...very sad...and very unsure of what to do.  i know what i should do. what i need to do. but the follow through scares me.. i was ready to give up today. i was. i was willing to give in and give up because things are to hard and to scary..and im afraid..im afraid to face the truth..im afraid to accept the truth..im afraid to acknowledge just how much i have been hurt and let down and picked on and yelled at and just treated badly..my illiusion of safety is falling down around me..and im forced to look at what actually is and that is scary..my desire to have had a great childhood is not possible because it didnt happen..inside i was hurt..i was hurt alot and treated badly and i grew up and am still struggling to deal with all of my past stuff..its not fair..

my supervisor told me again..that i am worth it. that i am worth being loved..im just so very sad and am unsure about what it is that i deserve..i said that i was not worth it a bit today..more than once..i said it because i feel its true. but i have linda and kathy telling me other wise..kathy told me that i have so much to offer others..and that if i wasnt worth it then why do my clients want to see me..why am i being noticed while working and being asked for..i would give anything to believe her..but the doubt is still there..what about me is so special?  what have i done to deserve anyones praise or recognition and i wonder what people want from me..i wonder what it is that they are seeing in me that i dont see... how cant i see the truth ?  i want to see the truth..

i just keep thinking about everything that has happened today..as much as i want to hurt myself..i wont do it..because i promised not to..i wont break the promise i made..but the urge is there..the desire to hurt is there..the need to escape is there big time..my head just fell apart today .. and ive been at home most of the day..not doing a darn thing..just laying down..trying to stay busy and still managing to think a lot..my thoughts run away from me..and always leads to feelings of fear..

i dont know :(  i really dont know anything right now..