i saw linda earlier this week and i kept telling myself i was going to write about what we talked about. heck i cant believe some of what we talked about or what i said..during the session what i was saying was ok...after the session my need to punish myself for saying to much and telling to much of how i really feel and think started up..and its hard to manage those thoughts..everything is so very messed up in my head. it is.
we talked quite a bit about my supervisor and my feelings about how much i want her for a parent and how much that is just not going to happen. -insert major tantrum throwing here- im frustrated at my lack of ability to see the logic in this. i really truly am because the way i keep working it out in my head is not the way linda or my supervisor sees it and no amount of trying to convince me otherwise is letting me see this from a more logical standpoint.. but no the thing that is bothering me most is that i actually told linda that im not able to give anything to anyone else. that i need to much and that i want everything but cant give anything back. i dont know where the statement came from. i really dont. im not even sure why i was thinking it ..much less why i said it outloud..and it bothers me..that i told linda something that no one is ever supposed to hear. darn it. i think that was pushed so far away that i ahd even forgotten about it. because i said it and it was like wow did that just come from me. but i felt it was true. the statement. and it just kinda floated through my head at the time and in a moment of i dont know what im saying it came out and darn if linda didnt write it down. i dont know how to explain the statement . not really. ive been thinking about it off and on though. i forget it and then remember it. but i still havent worked out an explaination for it. and i want to be able to explain it. i need to explain it. and right now when i think about it ..im thinking about my supervisor at the time or have thought about her recently for the thoguht to come out...because with her i am wanting to pull all sorts of things from her..love ..caring..support..i want her to be able to support me all the time..every day. i want to be able to be with her and have her keep me and love me and never ever let me go. i want her to make me a part of her life for ever...but in all of my demands on her what is she getting from me? what am i giving her ? how am i doing anything for her? i dont think i am..i truly dont. but still i want her undivided attention..i want her to be with me all the time. i want to talk to her. to be around her. i just need to know that she is near.. like holy cow this woman as become so much more than my supervisor and im not even sure she knows it. and i cant tell her for fear that one she will tell me im crazy (ok she prolly wont say that) but yeah .. it would raise a few questions..and if icant keep myself under control how in the world will i be able to work for her? but back to the original delima this relationship is awfully one sided and im afraid thats how i like it..or thats how i want it. i dont know how to give anything back to someone else..i dont want anyone wanting anything from me. im not i am able to fully love another person. i dont trust myself enough to fully be anything for another person. i hold myself back from it. i care about people. i like people. i even hate some people. but its all with a detachness like there is something between me and them that i can never ever cross. i wonder if it is my fear of being hurt. of not being enough for someone else. i dont know that part of it. but the whole thing makes me feel like a leech..like im just going to suck the life out of the people who support me because i dont know how to deal with it..i dont know how to balance it out and so i want all of it and then it becomes more overwhelming than anything else..like i am overwhelming myself..my desire to be with my supervisor drives out my good sense for anything else. heck ive spent the past 4 days fighting with myself about sending my supervisor a message just to say hi. well i wanted to talk to her but i didnt know what to say..and today i sent her a message asking a simple but convaluted question about happiness and whether or not things get better..and then hours later she sends me a message and i of course freak out about what her response may or may not be before i even open the message. and it takes me a little while to calm down and open it..and the response was more than i hoped..but it just left me wanting so much more from her... something in me is just broken and i am unable to keep a constant flow of positive energy or something..and so im looking at my supervisor to constantly give me what it is that i am missing..and maybe im just not able to describe this right at all.. something is missing and i know im looking for my supervisor to replace whatever it is i dont have..but im not sure what is missing..my need for comfort is strong..and being around mommy makes it even stronger because around mommy i force myself to need nothing...around my supervisor nothing is enough and i want more from her..my supervisor in her quest to destroy me and told me that she wouldnt give me any hugs if i ask for them..told me that i need to figure out what it is that i get from them..and i keep telling her that they make me feel better..which in turn leads her to ask me why...i dont know why. i just want comfort and she gives me comfort..and i feel almost like i can be myself (whoever that is) around her and she wont laugh at me or pick or me or anything. she is stable where as im broken .. i want to trust her to put me back together..to heal my hurts and make me understand..her hugs is give me a safe and cared for feeling that i dont get from anyone else. i mean i dont allow many people to touch me anyway..but i feel safe in her hugs..like i can let down my walls for just a little while and accept her comforting and caring..it is so hard for me to let down my walls with anyone..for fear of losing control..but with her i dont have to worry as much. i know that if i am with her for a little while i am truly safe and nothing can hurt me..heck i cant even hurt me when im with her. i dont want to be hurt anymore..i dont want the fear of being hurt rule me anyone..
what is it that i want from her ?
i want her to love me ...
why?
because no one else does...
even writing this all wakes up my thoughts about the unfairness of this all..and my need tot alk to her intensifies..heck my need to talk to anyone right now is really strong..but once again i dont know who to talk too..and my thoughts go back and forth and all over the place..and i am just getting so frustrated and upset about it all..because what i want seems so simple and easy and yet i cant have it. i just want her to love me thats it. and she cant. i dont love myself and no one else loves me. which leaves me to wonder why am i even here? whats the point? im pretty sure my supervisor would not be pleased to learn that my obsessions with her leads to all manners of not so good thinking..and its not her fault..it isnt..its me and once again my inability to manage my needs and wants and all of that in a healthy way.
i understand that my dependence on my supervisor is truly bordering on being just a little unhealthy and slightly obsessive..i know that my thinking on the situation is completely irrational and will not happen no matter how much i might want it to. yes the stubborn child in me is demanding to have her needs met and will not except anything besides yes as an answer..objectively i can look at all of this and know that it is not possible and that if i cant gain control of my thoughts then i will cause something not so great to happen like losing my job. but my stubborn child keeps winning out..my need to be safe and comforted is wining out. thankfully my supervisor and linda and being completely logical in all of this mess that i seem to be creating..and between the two of them i am kept from going completely over the edge..but it is a pretty fine line that i am walking..and given i am able to talk to linda about it thankfully and am talking to her. really i am..because well i cant take all of my concerns to my supervisor when the concerns are about her..and i need to talk about them or else i will just drive myself crazier..
and i need to stop writing because im quickly losing the battle to keep myself completely safe.. maybe ill be able to add more tomorrow
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