somehow today...after becoming upset as usual over old things, and the thoughts starting to go haywire made me just realize that all of it is wrong..all of it is just warped in my head when it comes to thoughts and seeing myself and all of that..it makes sense to me but when i try to explain or try to make someone else understand it the same way i do..then it doesnt make sense anymore..i always wonder how it is that no one else agrees with me when i say im bad or stupid or something..i really do engage in some heavy transference a lot of the time..and it gets to the point of thinking that everyone else is lying to me or wrong or just not seeing it right..and i think mommy is right but then that doesnt make sense either because mommy is wrong..but what she says is more important for some reason..maybe i just cant seem to break that bond/dependence/whatever..actually i think ..well im thinking that im having a hard time seeing all of it from anyone elses point of view..i know my point of view..and i would think i could imply mommys point of view if i tried hard enough..but then i have loads of other ppl telling me all this good stuff and i wonder how so many people could be all wrong about me...and then its all confusing again..everyone cant be wrong..well they could but the odds of that happening are pretty slim..and someone has to be wrong in all of this..maybe i shouldnt say wrong..maybe its just ppls opinions and thoughts and actions cant be controlled by someone else..but i can control myself..i think..and i try to control everyone elses thoughts about me by not believing them when they are saying nice things because that goes against what i am used to hearing..and even though there are times i completely like hearing nice things about myself.i always forget them just as quickly..but i can think about all the negative stuff for days without stopping for anything..and mommy just feeds into it and makes it worse..or she starts it and i let it get worse without trying to stop it or without putting effort into realizing and acknowledging that she is wrong or that she is not telling me the complete truth..linda says i have to decide what i want to believe..as she has told me a million times and im still trying not to decide..i have moments of clarity that i have to admit are happening a little more often these days..but still they are fast moments of thoughts where it all just makes sense and i know with the utmost certainty that i am not stupid or bad..that i am not flawed in some huge way or just destined to forever be bad or in trouble..at some point it all has to stop..and im not talking stop like suicide or anything..but just stop like thinking wise about things that cant be controlled or even fixed overnight..which would then mean stopping just about all of my daily thoughts..and that is pretty funny..but i guess im just still so caught up in wanting to be wanted/loved by mommy..and so there is still that drive to be exactly who she wants me to be and to do what she wants..but if i cant even be in the same house and not feel suicidal then that should be an even bigger flashing sign that something is wrong..i want it to be better..and im afraid to let go of that..what will happen if i stop hoping for things to get better with her? what will happen then? the disappointed of being rejected on a fairly continuous basis is just getting harder to deal with..and i think that just adds to all the negative thoughts..how can i be good enough at anything when im always being told im stupid or that i should be doing something, i should be doing better. im not managing to live up to some expectation that i had forgotten was even in place, theres always something else to strive for, something to be better at..but it has rarely ever been what i wanted..i did what i was supposed to do, not what i wanted to do..and now having to decide what to do with therapy stuff is really hard..i wait still to be told what to do and linda doesnt do that..she wont tell me what to do..things cant always be right or wrong can they? its not bad to want out is it? im trying hard to remember i have options and all roads seem to lead to leaving..and im having to become ok with that..the world will go on whether im at home or not..but i guess id rather it went on without me being so suicidal and just stuck..i dont think i ever really truly want to die..i think its more of just the idea that dying means not having to deal with any of it anymore..that it will all be over and done with..but i dont want to die..i want the hurting to stop, i want the thoughts to stop, id like the chatter in my head to give me a break some days..but none are things that suicide would make better..and knowing that does nothing to make it better..not really..i cant comfort myself or remind myself that ill feel better in a few days because im not sure anymore..im not sure ill be able to keep convincing myself that suicide wouldnt help anything or make anything better..
guess i should stop rambling now
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