just the usual

I have been thinking a lot about this week and everything that has happened and how today I have felt ok regardless of everything going on. Im trying so hard to let things go, to just believe the people I know and trust and not pay as much attention to what mommy tells me. I have been reading all the messages to some of my posts in other places and it makes me wonder why I want to believe mommy so much and ignore everyone else. That makes no sense to me at all, why disagree with the responses I want to hear and keep and believe. I know it makes it harder because I am at home and it is so much easier to get caught up thinking mommy is right when she isnt. It makes me sad really, all of it but I know or Im trying to know that it I am capable of thinking for myself and that I can think what ever I want, but I just need to get control back from her. T points out that if mommy can make me feel so bad then I am giving her a lot of control over me and I dont like that all. It is so weird I guess thinking that well things can be as simple as just wanting it enough. I wonder if I am making any sense at all right now.

Im tired of all the car stuff, it will be another couple weeks before things are final and well after tomorrow I am not even sure I will be able to work without a car. I told mommy earlier in the week that I couldnt afford the car any more and she gave me the money to keep it for a couple extra days (which makes me feel really guilty). I dont know what I will do about it anymore, but worrying isnt getting me anywhere, and I am guessing mommy will tell me what she has decided since she is going to be the one I borrow the car from for work if it ends up going that way. And that means I have to make sure to keep calm and level headed around her and not freak out. No babysitting really makes things a lot harder money wise, and this is another weekend of no babysitting and im going to be stuck at home, because I need to keep what little money I have for gas and getting to work. Am sad I had to cancel t for tomorrow, but had to and will have to just be ok with it, deal with it somehow. I am worried a little but not horribly since I am feeling ok and I know that I can make it to next tuesday if I have to. but then next week is the pdoc appt also and I would only be seeing t once next week anyway to help with the costs of the pdoc. everything involves money and i dont have any :( ..and to make next week even better, i have to do the driving school thing next week. $200 i dont have that i will have to use to cover the costs of that..so my next paycheck will not be going very far either..