today..thoughts on the hospital

my head has been hurting all day today... i think im just feeling a little sick and didnt sleep well last night..i keep having dreams about abandoning a baby..its the second time ive had a dream like this that i remember..last night i seriously left the baby on the side of the road and just walked away..even thinking about it makes me feel horrible..beyond horrible..and its hard..last time it was just leaving the house and not knowing with whom i left the baby with..this time i completely just walked away and left her all alone..and i wouldnt let myself go back and when i did go back to check she was gone..and then i didnt know what happened and that made the dream seen 10x worse..i dont know how i come up with some of this stuff..but that really didnt help my mood at all upon waking up this morning..i wasnt ok in the slightest..but as usual i got up eventually and made it to work and did what i was supposed to do..and it makes me so mad that i cant just have my breakdown and actually breakdown..no i have to keep doing stuff and turning things in and calling my therapist..i did call linda this morning..it took a little while but i did it..and she actually picked up and that scared me a little since i was working myself up to leaving a message..but then i had to talk to her..and told her that i wasnt ok and we had our usual suicide is not the answer type chats..and she gave me ideas for staying busy tonight and tomorrow until i see her..and that was fine..it gave me time to focus a bit..clear my head a little in talking to her..but then she mentioned that the hospital was always an option and of course the refusal was almost instantaneous ..i was so mad that she even voiced that one to me..and i told her no and that it just wasnt an option and that i refused to go..and she said ok..she let me know that she would prefer it was my choice to go to the hospital..but that if she had to she would put me in the hospital..and i know that is always an underlying issue..i know that its her job to keep me safe if she knows im planning something..but i really would never ever talk to her again if she forced me into the hospital..i would never forgive her for that..so she let the issue drop..and things were ok again..but then me and my lovely head just seemed to latch on to the idea of the hospital later on..and wondering if maybe it was a good idea to just go and try and get a break from things in a safe place without having to worry about anything that stresses me out..get me away from home, etc..there are a lot of reasons it wouldnt work..like not being able to afford it, and having to possibly tell mommy, and missing work, and just my life stopping for a while you know..that is not ok..but then the cons would be being in a safe place, having constant support, getting a break from things, learning new coping skills, getting more support in place for outside of the hospital..there are just as many on either side..and its hard to decide which is the right way to go..if i cant keep a hold on the suicidal thoughts with lindas help then maybe she is right to mention the hospital as an alternative..because if she cant help then i dont have anyone else who is close enough to me to help..and then i would most likely end up in the hospital anyway for trying to kill myself and where would that get me? i want to die and then i dont want to die..i want to go away and just have a break you know..a real break..but just stopping everything for a few days in the hospital may not be the way to get a break..maybe it is the next step..maybe the hospital for a few days would help get me leveled out a bit and more able to deal with the daily stuff of being at home until i moved and everything..right now its easy to take off a week from work..but i dont know how long i would be expected to stay in the hospital if i went that route..i would want to plan it and figure it all out before agreeing to do it..i would need to plan it out or else i wont agree to it..its odd that a part of me really wants to say ok ill go..just screw everything and go to the hospital..the more rational side disagrees and refuses to just stop everything for a stay in the hospital..i dont know what i want to do..i know that i am being more and more unsafe with myself and that its just getting worse..if i told linda the truth and let her know honestly how often i was suicidal i would have been put in the hospital a long time ago..i really want to stay out of the hospital..i will still refuse to go..but its just part of me wonders if maybe it will be better to go and get help in a stable place now..and see what happens over being forced into it because i cant think about anything but killing myself anymore..