hmmm

maybe things will be ok i guess..i dont know..made it through yesterday with no major upsets but then it could still all fall apart really quickly..im hoping its over and done with..im hoping it will be ok..im just hoping that nothing else happens..

have been thinking alot about things ...putting a lot of stuff into perspective in a way i guess..because it really does seem like life and everything involved is just passing me by and im missing it because im so caught up in a million different things..someone asked me the other day ..well mentioned that maybe i was doing to much, trying to do things for everyone else..and i thought about it and really had to wonder why it never really occurred to me before..how could i have missed the most obvious of things you know..i never really think about slowing down.i think about doing more..i need to do more, i need to help everyone..and i do have time alone but even then some times its just spent waiting to be needed by someone..waiting to need to do something else and i dont really always use the time to do things for me..maybe backing off of things a bit is a good idea..but i dont know how because i look at everything i do and its all important..it all seems important i guess...but maybe not being at the beck and call of everyone will be a good thing..getting a job and moving and just worrying about myself and my job..and it does make me feel selfish in a way..but if im completely worn out from helping everyone else then i wouldnt be much help in the end..its all so confusing in some ways...

maybe i will plan a little trip or something at the end of the summer...maybe sooner than that..i cant decide..but i know a trip somewhere would be nice..and im not even sure i want to do anything with anyone else.i just want to get away for a few days..i would have considered going up to see yvonne for her birthday but then the no car thing gets in the way of that and its pretty last minute now..and then if i went up there it would be staying in a hotel again..and thats more money..theres someone i consider a friend who lives in georgia that has asked if we could meet and hang out and im considering it..if i went that direction i could stop and see stephanie cas she is pregnant and i am happy for her..gosh it seems like forever since i lived with her lol..good grief we watched pbs every morning before classes..in college no less barney and reading rainbow and all of those shows..yeah it has been a long time since ive seen her..so i dont kow yet what i want to do..but just thinking..cas i know ill need money to get away for any amount of time...and maybe ill just go back to the outerbanks for a few days..maybe i can drive it without getting lost this time lol..that would be a good thing..but the summer rates are so high for the outerbanks ..essh..everything costs money and thats exactly what i dont have right now..

but i found a job that i want to apply for..a couple hours away from here..going to mail it out today..and then theres one i think ill work on this weekend and see about sending that one it also..

rob is going to cali this weekend..and he will be gone for a month..and then he comes back and it looks like he really will have to go overseas around aug or so..mommy wants nia to move home, and nia is pretty sure she isnt going to do that at all..and i dont blame her..mommy expects her to move home..and i hope nia doesnt cave and come back..it would be good in some ways but not good in a lot of others and the good really dont outweigh the bad..

lots of things just going on...

oh the pdoc i most likely wont be seeing today because its to last minute with them and rescheduling...ive called twice this week to find out what time i was given and they are still working on the schedule and the appointment was supposed to be today..and i cant just leave work at the drop of a hat to go to an appt..therapy is different because i know the time well in advance and i know how to work around when i need to leave..so im guessing it will just have to be rescheduled..no biggie..i will get there eventually..and not spending the 90 bucks to see the doc will be a good thing this week..cant really afford it anyway and so waiting will be fine..

and then im hoping all the car stuff will be taken care of in this upcoming week..i had to rent another car yesterday and it was more expensive..more money gone..another paycheck totally wiped out by getting a rental..and now i really am not keeping up with bills and its frustrating big time.. but im babysitting this weekend at least and im hoping that will take care of some of the money issues for another week at least..i live week to week..not even paycheck to paycheck anymore..it sucks