im tired

for the second night in a row im so so tired..its only 9 and im ready to go to bed..im thinking about tomorrow and what i need to do tomorrow ..im a little worried about tomorrow but it will be ok i guess.

i saw linda today and it was ok..we talked about my weekend and how to help me feel better and handle the downtime at home better..which i dont think will ever happen but im going to have to try harder at it..-sigh- i hate it here but im stuck here..so i have to deal with being here for now..and that means dealing with it..somehow .. i want to believe what linda tells me but im not sure still..how can i not be sure? every day i come home and feel horrible or i talk to mommy on the phone or even just end up in the same room as her and get criticized or talked bout or picked on or something and it hurts..it always hurts..and i just still keep waiting..and i dont seem to really understand what happens..i notice it sometimes..more now than ever before but im still waiting..and maybe it is just harder because i am at home..because i am still dealing with it all every day and its harder to separate it..i wish i could just believe linda and everyone else..although the image i got from her today is still pretty funny about the balancing scales..and mommy vs everyone else..it makes sense seeing it like that..it really does..i even got distracted writing today and made a mini sketch of it in my journal..but maybe just knowing that its wrong and hurtful is enough to start with..tonight it was a little easier to let mommy just do her thing and kinda ignore her and not listen..but at the same time i was really tense when i figured out she was upstairs..i still wished to be any where else..the tension was in my shoulder and neck again because i was paying so much attention to listening and just waiting to see what was going to happen..so i dont know..maybe it will just get better in time..maybe im starting to see things differently and need to be a little more patient..i dont know

hmm i have a couple things to work on before seeing linda on friday..why is it so hard to tell her everything? :( i wanted to tell her what the bad thoughts were..i wanted to tell her all of them and instead of that i only told her a few..and now i want her to tell me the reasons why all of them are not true and not just the ones i told her about..because i told her that some of the bad thoughts were just that i was stupid, and that i couldnt do anything right, and that i was bad...but in addition to those i was thinking you know that i was worthless, that i deserved to die, that i was horrible and a waste of space..there are so many bad thoughts and i get so caught up in them but it is hard ..really hard to voice them to someone else..and it makes me sad..because then i just start thinking that im not trying or something..but umm im supposed to be making a list of things that i have done right ..and i think about it and i really do think that i worded it wrong but i cant figure out how i want to word it..because i cant think of anything that ive done right..maybe it should be things ive accomplished or something..and then i need to come up with some things to do on the weekend, to get me out of the house and away from mommy..and im still at a loss for both of those right now..no idea what to write or say about them..and i know trying to do it tonight isnt a good idea since all these things are rolling around in my head.and that it may be easier tomorrow or the next day to think about it and really put some effort into it..and who knows maybe one of these days i will get around to believing that im not bad or stupid or any of that stuff..i want to believe it..i do

and linda is going to call the pdoc place and ask about why i didnt get in for an appt..so im guessing she will fill me in on that on friday

so now im thinking about a lot of different things as usual..trying to figure out what i like to do..i dont know anymore..considering trying out watercolors..i feel like drawing actually and that is surprising since i am well not a great drawer..but i miss painting a lot right now and i want to paint and cant..so i just need to figure out some way to get the pictures out of my head..i dont know how to talk about them and i cant afford to lose any more words lol..seriously

well i guess im done rambling for the night..