tired ramblings

im struggling to stay awake right now because im not at my house and i was planning on leaving and going home but its already almost midnight and i got like 4 hours of sleep last night but im not completely comfortable staying here either..ok and that was just confusing and long! but im sleepy and just really worried and stressed right now...like wondering what in the heck im doing with everything..i have another week about the job i interviewed for..im really hoping i get it...i really am trying to be positive about it..but the more i think about it the more i start telling myself that im not going to get it..that i should start putting out applications again and that i dont need to give up on finding another job..that way if i dont get it then it wont hurt as much...but if i do get it then things can start to get so much better. but then i have to consider where to apply ..theres not much around where i live now and if im willing to move farther away. the funny thing is there are jobs up near asheville where i worked before..not with the same company mind you but just in the area...i loved that area..i would love to go back if i could afford it..but that would mean well a big move because thats about 6 or so hours..all the way across the state..that would mean stopping therapy again just when im starting to get back into it..but i would be moving..i would be on my own..and away..but i know now that even being away doesnt just make things all better..no matter how much i might wish it...if i moved i would have to stay in therapy..better yet i would prolly have to have the appt set up before hand because otherwise i might not keep up..and may be ive grown up enough in the past year and a half to know that and know what it is i need to do..i want to think i have..but im not sure..no im not the same as i was a year ago..or even a year and a half ago when i first started out in the real world..but i look at it all now and know that i have to keep looking..i have to keep trying and not just give up and settle..its more important this time..i have to prove i can do it..and that i really can stand on my own..and actually make something of myself..i feel like im just wasting away at home..ill die at home..but i will have to come to some idea about the traveling and moving though..i applied for the job i did because it was close enough that i could get away with moving .. i wouldnt have to change therapists...but if i dont get that job and get one farther away..then i dont know..that would be giving up everything again..but what is holding me here? thats the problem..i look at being at home and it depresses me so very much..i go out of town and come back and just the thought of having to go home makes me so very sad and tired..there is nothing for me here..im nothing here..and i just think that if i dont do something to get away..then i will run out of time..and i dont want to die..not really..sometimes yea but overall not really. but at the same time all of this really is scary..and makes me worry about what im getting myself into...i wonder if im ready..i wonder if i can leave again and just stay gone...