its odd

i havent cut in a week or so i think..i suck at recalling time frames! but still its been at least a week if not longer...and i dont know..still not thrilled at what i was told by linda and i keep thinking about it and its still upsetting..the urges come at the oddest times..and i try hard to work around them or ignore them or do something else to stay busy and keep my hands busy or my head on something else...but still i feel so empty and lost with out..i knew what to expect when i cut..i knew what i was going after..and now i dont have that..or im not getting it from anything else .. i want release and theres nothing there anymore without cutting..i write but it doesnt really help much..it doesnt do the same thing..i think i miss it..i miss what it makes me feel..geez its only been a freaking week and i miss it?! how is that possible..a month down the line yea i can understand missing it but a week? missing it makes me feel crazy..like ive completely gone off the deep end...and that no one can possibly understand what it is that i want and cant have...i guess maybe it really is like a drug in some ways..i need it..ive made myself need it and now i cant have it and it makes me want to die in some ways..i want to escape my head but i cant do that..i dont even want to be in my head most days..but i cant get out of it..i cant make things go away..nothing ever really goes away i guess..no matter how many ways i try to make myself believe that it does...im just stuck

things are just stressing me out all around at home..i hate being there i really do and i guess its about time i stopped trying to make myself believe thing will be different..i write it out online and stuff and talk about how things dont change..and everyone seems to agree that moving is the best option lol..funny how that works out..and i am trying to find another job so that i can move out..but until then im stuck..and at the mercy of being at home until i can go..and dealing with everything at home..but dealing with it all is driving me crazy..what a lovely way to go..meds or a razor..hmm anyway no im not suicidal .. depressed yes but im always depressed so thats nothing new..just have to deal with it..some how..i have to be ok..i have to stay ok..i have to make everyone believe im ok..except i dont really care anymore..i dont talk at home..i hide..im not noticed..im not even there..well literally speaking..

the car thing has become a major annoyance..and its like mommy is of course controlling it all and just letting me end up paying. and she says its my choice but all her side comments are just getting to me..if its my choice then why cant i make it?! so im trying hard to keep my temper because she has been working hard to get something worked out and i feel guilty for getting so upset over stuff but i cant seem to help it. and the job stuff is really stressing me out...so much to do you know..i need more money and im trying hard to stay motivated to keep filling out applications...and i have to keep reminding myself that the state jobs take forever and its better to send out the applications and hope i hear something..but im forgetting where im sending them lol..i think im going to get the info on some of the newer state jobs and then just call the employment place for referrals since they are all over the state! but i am losing motivation to keep looking fast..i want to give up because its like i havent heard anything..i dont want to keep looking..but my options are getting smaller and smaller and all are centered around staying at home or leaving..we cant stay home for much longer before.hmm i just dont know how much more i can handle you know..its wearing on me big time lately...and now i dont really care if i have to move across the state but i will miss my t if i have to move far away. thats the big down fall to all my plans:( finally realizing i trust her to help..prolly why i managed to call her and leave a message for her to call me back without freaking to badly about it...but still have time on having to make that decision...