Saturday, July 19, 2008

confusion

how come nothing at all gets to be about me? nothing..i just want one little thing..one moment where no one else's concerns matter. i thought getting away for just a couple days would be a break..that it would be a good thing..and now its not..now its like there is something wrong and mommy says she is freaking out..her..not me..her..she actually thinks i left and planned on killing myself..geez i dont need to leave home to plan that..i wasnt planning that..i just wanted some space to think thats all..just a little time to be alone where it was quiet and no one was bothering me or asking me to do a million different things..but now mommy tells me i need to talk to her..that if something is wrong i need to be able to ask for help..well damn if something was wrong id hate for it to become an issue now..when arent things wrong? and when does she give a damn at all? the one time i actually take the time to get away and im only a couple hours away from home even..its not like i traveled across the country to get away..but no its a problem because im alone..whats so worng with being alone? why is it such a big deal when i want to leave or something..no one else gets questioned..no one else needs to call home a million times a day for no good reason..no one else has to pretend and wonder and be s cared..but still its all about her and what she is worried about..suddenly im being asked if im cutting again..i told her no of course i wouldnt do that again..yea well considering i never stopped in the first place i wonder if it still counts as lying..i wonder if since im not at home she will go and search my room..and i wonder how much trouble ill be in if she finds all the razors that are in my room..what did i ever do that was so bad? why does something have to be wrong all the time? i dont know..i thought this was going to be a nice relaxing couple of days but now im just anxious and upset..why should i have to tell her anything at all? why does she have to assume that there is even something wrong in the first place..why why whyy..i wonder if when i get home she will check me for new scars..suddenly i need to be told to take care of myself..when it doesnt really matter at all..might as well just turn around and go back homee...thers no point in leaving when it just comes to this..

No comments: