i dont know what im supposed to do...

im not liking therapy to much right now..and its all my fault..i keep trying to talk without actually revealing anything..i keep trying to talk around the issues..i dont want to talk about the real stuff..id rather just pretend that there is nothing wrong ..that im perfectly fine..you know..if i say it enough then ill believe it and things will go back to being ok enough to manage..but i guess things really arent ok..they never were..something has always been wrong and i ignored it..i made it go away..forced myself to make excuses..pretend nothing was wrong..that i deserved it..that it was my fault..whatever it took..i made sure i knew that it was my fault..i reminded myself..i had to make myself believe..so i told myself again and again until i did..until no one could tell me any different..and then i left home and had to start learning that the world doesnt really work like i thought it did..not everyone was going to hit me or yell at me...i dont understand why it is my therapist doesnt get mad at me or annoyed..i know she wouldnt hit me but i cant say i havent thought it..im completely ok with knowing someone is mad at me..but im not ok with someone being ok with me..i have to question it..i have to make sure i dont start thinking that somehow they are right and im just wrong about it all..and now i just dont know..i know what im expected to do..what i should do..but i dont know what i want to do..i think about it all the time now..i think about if i want to talk..what i want to say..what i can say without getting in trouble..i want to talk but i cant..i dont know what to say..i dont know how to get around everything in my head..and now the lovely topic of abuse came up today and i was talking about my lack of memory skills..and the topic came up and she questioned me a little bit on it but not much..but enough to make me really wonder what it is i want to do..i dont want my almost perfectly illusioned world to fall apart..i dont want to have to know the truth but i hate not knowing..i hate questioning what i remember against what i dont..i hate being so sad and anxious and not knowing why..i dont want to be like this forever..if i dont do it now then it will just keep coming up or else i will find a way to kill myself..something that doesnt bother me as much as it should..but i guess thats just what it comes too..but then i have to wonder if ill try to kill myself now if i start remembering all the stuff i forgot..maybe i forgot it for a darn good reason..im scared that she will figure it out..im just scared about everything right now..im tired of fighting it all..but i dont know how to not fight it..i have to ignore it..i have to make it go away and i keep getting asked why i think about it like that..and i dont have an answer..i just cant deal with it..talked about cutting today too..and i got around to mentioning that i was scared to stop it because then there would be nothing for me to replace it with..i have to replace it ..i just cant stop and theres nothing there..and she asked why..and i didnt realize it then but later on that i just cant see myself with out..i cant see myself not doing something that hurts on purpose..its always been something..it started with picking and i was in trouble for it..moved to purging for other reasons..but not many know about that.. and then it moved to cutting and i got in trouble for that but have yet to stop..and then it went to burning..and that was the ultimate hurt but i couldnt control it and stopped for the most part..it all hurts..they all have there purposes..but without them i dont know who i am...i dont know how not to hurt myself..and when those dont work i can attack myself in my head any time i want..i cant get out of my head..i cant escape myself..and i know how make myself hurt, i know what it takes..hell mommy doesnt even have to do it cas i got better than her at it even..i already know my weak points and how to exploit them to the extreme.. i do it without thinking about it..i can make things really bad for myself really fast and i dont know how to stop it..do i even want to stop? i want to say yes..geez my head screams yes..but i have to stop and question it..it cant just be yes..it isnt that simple..why cant it be that simple? why does it have to scare me so much? i dont know..