today has been hard..i dont know why..but it has been..everything is pressing in on me..and i dont know how to describe it or give it words..right now im in the library because therapy was cancelled and changed to tomorrow and i just didnt want to stay at home..and then i found out that i wouldnt be working until much later and that doesnt really help the money situation at all..but whatever..
im putting off sending out more applications..suddenly there is a lot of fear about moving away..i cant do it..i dont want to do it..i want to do it but i cant..yea that just made a whole lot of sense :( i was ok with it when i was just looking aroudn and wondering but now its becoming more important and i cant do it..its too scary..im not that brave..im a wimp..nothing at all brave or strong about me..sigh and i know at the same time that i would give anything to move..but actually moving makes me so anxious and afraid..ill be going from one loneliness to another..in a place where we know no one ..but away from all the constant issues at home..i cant decide which is more important..ok maybe its just i cant decide which im ok with and not freak out about it..
but the small issues of escaping keeps coming up..and its not the first time ive heard it and it prolly wont be the last and that doesnt make me feel any better at all..i want to escape though..i want to be able to move and have things juts get better..i want things to be better now but i dont want to have to deal with the past to make it that way..i dont want to have to face anything..it scares me because i dont know what it is i have to face..i wonder and wonder what i have forgotten and it scares me because its like my life is passing me by and i cant keep up with it..heck it feels like im not even living it..i just wake up and go through the day and then forget what i did ...i cant seem to hold on to anything except feelings a deep unrest and isolation..i dont know what im doing and having someone question me and ask me makes me even more anxious..i want to refuse to go back to therapy but i need her..i dont want to have to leave my T now..i dont know how to manage with out her right now..given i dont go and really say anything either..or i try to explain and the words dont come..yet she remembers what i have said and can recall it better than i can..i like hearing her talk..and then im afraid to leave her office..i want to stay in her office to do nothing but just be there..i shouldnt depend on her like that because i know at some point i will have to leave her and move or something and thinking about it hurts..i dont want to get attached..but i guess i have in some ways..i dont want her digging up my past i really dont..but it sucks at the same time because i know at some point ill have to know it anyway..and cant escape it..i left home already thinking things would be better..and they werent..i came back thinking things would be better and they arent..at some point i will have to stop trying to just make it all go away without dealing with it..but i dont know how to do it either..keep walking into walls trying..or keep getting so scared and upset about it all...yea i guess it would be better trying to deal with it when not living at home but for now thats not even an option..
blah..things are just pretty suckish right now
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