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sometimes i think it makes me jealous that i cant be the center of attention all the time..i want to be left alone and not noticed but i still want to be noticed a little bit..but then i dont like it...in a big dont touch me mood..have been since the other night when i was cutting..feeling mega lonely and killer depressed..geez if i could get out of my head i would..i cant even stand myself right now and its like a never ending rain of thoughts about how alone i am..its utterly pathetic in an incredilbly depressing way..geez i want to cut just to shut my head up..but then i made a mess the other night..not cool..think im nervous about therapy tomorrow..dont know what to say..talked about the burning but after i left i figured out i had done it only cas i wanted to make her mad at me..i guess i figure if i get her mad enough then she will tell me to leave and that i cant be helped and that will be the end of it..and then ill once again not have to answer to anyone about anything at all..i thought things were supposed to get better not worse...and it just feels like things are getting worse and worse..well sometimes thats what it feels like..and i know its not always like that but right now its like just overwhelming i guess...maybe i need to just go and lay down for a while..stare at the wall or something..since ive been doing that alot lately..maybe i expect the wall to keep me company or something..