busy minds...are just always busy

if there was a way to get my head to slow down i would loved to know what it was. although now i remember some of how aaron talked to me about mindfullness and paying attention to what was going on around me and staying there even..and i never really tried hard at it you know..but now its like my head runs away from me way to quickly and i just get stuck thinking about a million things and wanting to get away but being unable too...it makes me question is meditation really does work..maybe i should try it again..right now im almost ready to try anything..you know one of the appealing things about going back to asheville is that its quiet there..its a town like anywhere else but at the same time its not..its quiet and i dont know how i know that but i know it..maybe its just the closer to nature aspect of asheville but for some reason thats what it is...i have been wanting to go back..and i even asked yvonne about going back for my birthday. so its not new i guess..but it was just a little surprising when i actually considered working in asheville again..i wonder why i hadnt thought of it before actually...mommy of course is all for it as long as i find a job that pays better and has benefits..and then she doesnt care because that just means i will have to help out more at home you know..but i dont want to do that either...right now i juts want to leave..thats my most pressing thought..i need to leave and go and thats just it..there is no other option..the same way i didnt have any other options when i moved home in the first place..now my only option is moving again but being able to take care of myself in the process. i miss living alone. i miss being by myself..im craving solitude that i cant have at home..yea it gets lonely alone but im lonely at home too..so it doesnt really matter i guess..i can be lonely anywhere..but that really is my motivation right now. moving out..to move out i need a better job..so im looking for a job..and when i find one im gone..it would be nice to find one that would help with moving costs but if not thats ok too..unless im going clear across the state again..and then we will have to talk about moving expenses..but one good thing would be that if i moved back up near asheville at least i would have a place to stay for the interviews if i got one because henry lives up there..and i know i can go and stay with him overnight or something if i had too..but still that would be a couple tanks of gas...at least a $150 dollar trip..so it would take some planning i know..but getting the applications in would be the first step..but also i need to figure out what areas i want to consider..because i was looking for jobs but at the same time i was confused about the different counties..suddenly i really do hate that nc has 100 counties..my gosh ..but at the other end of the job front...im really worrying big time about the job that im waiting to hear about..im trying to stay positive but my mind still gets the best of me and i wonder whats wrong with me..maybe im just really not good enough..maybe i dont know what im getting myself into..so many maybes and questions that i cant answer..but i check my phone a million times hoping for a call and then getting depressed because i havent gotten one..i mean in some ways i am trying to have a better outlook and i know i can keep applying for different jobs and that each interview will be better than the last one..but still i wonder how many it will take to get a job..how many times will i end up getting dejected before i finally find another job and can move on into something else...mommy keeps pushing and pushing for everything and im not even sure what i want anymore...first its the job and finding a better one and then its school and im sure after that it will be something else that she thinks i need and am not working hard enough to get..theres always something..and i just cant seem to keep my mouth closed and end up staying in trouble..i asked her today why she always had to know where im going? and she got mad at me and told me that she wouldnt ask anymore..and i know its a lie..and i know she was pissed off when she said it but i really dont see why she has to know..if im out im out..if im not at home them im not at home..its not big deal..it shouldnt be a big deal but mommy makes it one..and it sucks ...and im still the selfish one because when i try to stand up for mytself or to set maybe a little tiny boundary it gets shot down and im still in trouble .. its not fair..and to make my life even better something is really wrong with my car and its just leaking something underneath the drivers seat because the carpet on that side is now soaked in something but i dont know what..and one of the tires is losing air and things just need to be checked on it but i cant afford to get it fixed but if it breaks ill be even more worse off and i dont know what to do..if i give up my next two pay checks it will be trouble for other bills..but i know it wont be cheap at all and i just dont know what to do about it..and its to expensive right now to rent a car and just give my car a break but if i still have to get it fixed then i would still end up paying for it...i want another car..but no one would take the one i have now as a trade in..and riley and harris have left for camp so thats no extra money for a month...im just going to keep falling behind with things if i have to get my car fixed..geez..life is grand isnt it.