cutting..

talked to my doc yesterday and i have to admit talking to her did help calm my nerves...she told me that it was ok if i needed to call back after i had talked to her and had gone home..because i was freaked about going home and everything..and she reassured me that it was perfectly ok to take time out and be my myself..and i reassured her that i wasnt suicidal and i hadnt planned on leaving to kill myself..and we talked a little about cutting and she told me that it wouldnt matter if i cut or not because the problems would still be there tomorrow..and i dont know why its bothering me so much..i mean yea i guess somewhere in my head i know that cutting doesnt make anything go away no matter how much i want it too..but its like she just went and took away all my excuses and laid it all out..and im guessing she prolly didnt plan on me reacting to it the way i am..but i dont know..its like suddenly none of it makes sense anymore..why do i do it if it doesnt really help the underlying problems? somehow ive got myself thinking that cutting is the answer to keep me from really knowing what the real problem is..and now its not working anymore..suddenly its like holy heck what exactly does cutting really do for me? i dont know..i know what i want it to do..and i can prolly make myself believe that its helping..and i mean yes it helps but darnit now i have to acknowledge that it has absolutely no long term effect at all..crap..i never wanted to think that.. i was quite comfortable thinking that it was great and wonderful and would make everytyhing better and easier to deal with...but it hasnt..the scars arent going anywhere..the scars cant even be explained away with a reasonable lie..im the one getting hurt by it..and part of me is dead set on believing i deserve it..and thats all fine and good for now but once that changes to then what will be left? i still think ill die without cutting..but if i have to change how i think about it in general then i dont think that will still hold true..crap..it all pisses me off.. and it shouldnt..ugh