one more time...

got triggered last night and started thinking about cutting..except i remembered from therapy that i had to work on controlling the impluse more..cas sometimes its like theres not room for anything else in my head..i have to do something that hurts and then i can think about everything else..but it started me thinking you know that if i just do it once more it will be ok and that will be it and ill be able to stop next time and it wont hurt..like i had to talk myself back into it being ok to do..that if i made it ok then it wasnt a bad thing and i wouldnt feel guilty..if i make it ok to need it then its just for now and not later..but then i realized im making it just every other addiction ive seen..anyone watch the show intervention? cool shoe but huge huge triggers..but its a good show about the real effects of addictions..but its like how many times has someone died from that 'one more time' thinking..now im not doing to die from cutting my arm but thats not really the point..if i make this my one last time then what about the next time or the next impluse..its like im setting it up in a way so that every time is the last time ill do it but it will never end..it can be the last time a million times..and what then? im still looking at the scars from the last time i promised to stop..and then time after that..and then the time after that too..


just thinking...