things ...

overall i have enjoyed being away from home. i wasted my time as i pleased. i did what i wanted to do which wasnt all that much. i got to play online and spend time lost in stories.. i got to wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt and there is no one to stare at me.. or question me..or look at me funny..thats all i wanted..a chance to be ok and not be scared or stressed out..i chance not to hide. a little time to just be myself you know...and it was ok but still it was overshadowed by other stuff dealing with mommy..i battled with the urge to cut..ive been picking at bug bites a lot..but i havent cut since the deep one i made a few days ago..im worried ill go home and mommy will check me for scars..im worried she will find out and call me crazy or try to put me in the hospital..im worried i think i will run out of options and try to kill myself..i dont want to go home..and that makes me sad..i cant seem to outrun my depression..its always there..underneath everything else..it doesnt go away..its depressing not wanting to go home..how can i not want to go home? i should want to and i dont..i want to just throw a tantrum and refuse to leave yvonnes place..i want to stay here and not go home..i want to scream and cry and demand to be heard..but i cant..i cant do anything ..and it makes me feel trapped..and stuck..and very very alone :(...i dont know what to do..and its like this all has to happen now??? the one time i cant go to therapy and it feels like im going to fall apart the most..i dont even like therapy and its like i need it..i have to make it the two weeks..i just have too..

but did go and see prof dunn and talked a bit about lots of stuff...cutting and mommy included..dont know how we got to that..but we did somehow..and she gave me hugs without me having to ask for them..and then i went to a movie and saw the new batman one and it was awesome! so much better than the first one! and it wasnt until after the movie that i figured i have to get ready to go back home :( i dont want to go..i really dont..