so so confused

really off day...

therapy today..therapy that left me wondering about a heck of a lot of stuff..we talked about quite a few different things but i hit shutdown/distraction mode when she started talking and asking me about you know how my past has changed me or influenced me or if i thought it had..and everything in me just yelled aand screamed for me to say yes and get it over with..i thought yes..i wanted to tell her that i thought it had effected me and i just couldnt..i couldnt actually agree and say yes..there is something very very bad about doing that..i cant do that..its wrong its bad..on some level its placing blame somewhere..its admitting that something is wrong..something was wrong..things would just change if i said yes..doesnt matter if i think it or not..because saying it is different..saying it would make it all true and i dont want that..im sure she could guess that i would say yes but i dont think she can go anywhere with it until i actually voice that yes..and i dont know if i can..i dont know what will happen..i dont know what will change but i just think or know or completely believe that something will have to change if i said that..and that is a big time scary thing.i dont know if i can do that :(

and i went today and her office was changed around and it really unsettled me..i dont know what it was about how it looked today but i wasnt ok with it at all..something about it really truly bothered me and i told her so..and when i needed to buy time to think of answers for questions i brought up random issues with her office and what not lol..and she called me on some of it but still she answered my questions all the same..and then made me go back and answer the other questions anyway..but i dont know why it was so hard today in her office..i really really i dont know..it was weird

and we talked about eye contact and it was just one of those questions that i wasnt expecting at all..and until she mentioned it i really hadnt realized i didnt have a problem with eye contact when im with kids..but with adults and stuff it is a big big promblem and i dont know why..i dont know whats behind it..like yea it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it which ive already told her anyway but its like theres a part of it that im missing and i cant figure it out..i dont know what im looking for but i dont know what it is..and its probably the most obvious thing ever and i just dont see it..its annoying the crap out of me and making me really anxious because i want to know and i should know and i dont..i cant figure it out at all..